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The Rewrite
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Farsider



Joined: 10 Aug 2005
Posts: 913

PostPosted: Thu Dec 14, 2006 4:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I am really loving these two new rewrite chapters. Your writing quality seems to have jumped up a few notches, I'd say. I was a little sad that chapter 1 doesn't begin with those iconic lines about Horse walking down the hallway on his way to the office in a building that looked like nothing exciting had ever happened there before. Maybe I'm just really starting to appreciate the Rhy and Tidus interaction more than the Fang scenes, but with chapter 3 and 4, I'm convinced that the rewrite is all for the best. The new Scarlet Resurrection material also makes me really excited for when we get to see the sequel to The Darkened Tree. All the possibilities for new complexity and lore and exposition...

One bit: There is a mention in chapter 3 (I think it was three...i've already forgot) where Horse mentions having to go West from Oldtown to get to North End. If I remember correctly, this should probably read East to North End. [[you got it... my east-west-lexia strikes again. thanks -ed.]]
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Amaunator



Joined: 03 Dec 2005
Posts: 2074
Location: Belgium ... innocuous but intrepid!

PostPosted: Thu Dec 14, 2006 7:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

East-West-lexia? Like my left-right-lexia? Very Happy

Right on! Very Happy

Sadly I haven't had time yet to reread it (damn those exams *thunder crackles overhead.* What? Didn't I mention that I'm Thor?), but I'm positive that it's all for the best Smile. I've never doubted you one bit. We're still here to point you to the errors, though (we're better than some sloppy editor from some backwater printer anyways).
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Nariisu



Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 4

PostPosted: Tue Dec 19, 2006 1:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like the rewrites a lot. Chapter 4 shows the Law in action way earlier than the old version. While I liked the mystery of how the Law worked in the old one, this is for the better. (If, in fact, it even was the Law, it may have been Fang.)
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Heloly



Joined: 31 Jul 2005
Posts: 1602

PostPosted: Wed Dec 20, 2006 10:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ooooo............. 5&6!!!!
Burnt. Wink
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Exodus



Joined: 26 Feb 2006
Posts: 2262
Location: P-Town represent!

PostPosted: Thu Dec 21, 2006 2:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I just have one thing to say. Are you quite sure that there's no better comparasin you can make at the beggining of chapter 6? I mean, the moon is a place that everybody knows exists they just don't have the money or skills to get there; however, the Argent Dawn is completely gone (from what I gleened off the story) from the face of the earth.

You might have tried to make it seem a bit more like the AD was still with people in the back of their heads (like the holocaust) but It just didn't quite come across that way for me.

Otherwise, seemless change from less anger to more anger and great rewrite.
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Albatros
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Joined: 15 Jul 2005
Posts: 2111

PostPosted: Thu Dec 21, 2006 2:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Exodus wrote:
I just have one thing to say. Are you quite sure that there's no better comparasin you can make at the beggining of chapter 6? I mean, the moon is a place that everybody knows exists they just don't have the money or skills to get there; however, the Argent Dawn is completely gone (from what I gleened off the story) from the face of the earth.

You might have tried to make it seem a bit more like the AD was still with people in the back of their heads (like the holocaust) but It just didn't quite come across that way for me.

bah... I've loved the heck out of that line since I wrote it back in draft one, and I've always known it didn't fit there. I'll stare at it and think some more.

Exodus wrote:
Otherwise, seamless change from less anger to more anger and great rewrite.

Thanks! oh man it was a lot of work getting rid of the seams...
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Heloly



Joined: 31 Jul 2005
Posts: 1602

PostPosted: Thu Dec 21, 2006 8:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, I love that line too. Keep it.
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Fat squirrel



Joined: 23 Aug 2005
Posts: 347
Location: A splendid place with a delightful selection of delectable dishes.

PostPosted: Mon Dec 25, 2006 10:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The third line in your rewrite grates me. Chapter 1

"Iím an eight-foot tall tauren bull."

I think it should be deleted because it directly states a charactaristic that was previously allowed to reveal itself throughout the first few chapters. The nice little hints at first such as his complaints about the annoying human sized chair and the annoying small doorframes small beds and so forth, all loose their value when there is nothing to wonder about anymore. In the original I recall thinking "wait, human sized, what is he?" and then it took a few paragraphs at least to figure out. Anyway, I liked the hook which that piece of information completely kills. So I think that the line should go away.
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Aidinthel



Joined: 13 Mar 2006
Posts: 3145
Location: a series of lairs, each more secret than the last

PostPosted: Tue Dec 26, 2006 12:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Now that you mention it, that was nice. I agree with Squirrel.
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Albatros
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Joined: 15 Jul 2005
Posts: 2111

PostPosted: Tue Dec 26, 2006 1:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

hmmmmm... I like how it parallels Trent's bit about not knowing how he sneaks around, though. I'd like to hear some more people jump on this one...?
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Sabredurid330



Joined: 27 Sep 2006
Posts: 503

PostPosted: Tue Dec 26, 2006 8:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, both ideas are good, but the lines that are most direct are usually least interesting to read. Trent's comment as well as the statement- "Iím an eight-foot tall tauren bull." are both pretty direct. If these two series of lines clash then I would stick with the subtle descriptions of how everything felt smaller, and the human sized everything.
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Amaunator



Joined: 03 Dec 2005
Posts: 2074
Location: Belgium ... innocuous but intrepid!

PostPosted: Tue Dec 26, 2006 9:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree with the squirrel! That's one of the lines that bothered me too, it was far too up front. A story runs on its tension just like a man's love goes through his stomach Very Happy, it needs sustenance and content!
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Slinken



Joined: 22 Aug 2005
Posts: 223
Location: scourging guest writer for slowness...

PostPosted: Wed Dec 27, 2006 5:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

im with squirrel, the easy and simple "im an 8 foot tall tauren bull" weakens the hook. I remember that when I first saw the thing about "human sized" things i was intrigued and thus urged to read on, that phrase totally kills that, take it out pls
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Heloly



Joined: 31 Jul 2005
Posts: 1602

PostPosted: Wed Dec 27, 2006 6:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have to agree... Take it out.
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Albatros
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Joined: 15 Jul 2005
Posts: 2111

PostPosted: Wed Dec 27, 2006 9:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm sold. I also have another little thing I need to slip into chapter one, so I think it's re-rewrite time!

next topic of conversation: ...I dunno, you guys think of something. (on topic.)
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