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The Rewrite
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Albatros
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Joined: 15 Jul 2005
Posts: 2111

PostPosted: Wed Dec 06, 2006 8:27 pm    Post subject: The Rewrite Reply with quote

Hopefully, there's enough new and interesting stuff to discuss. If you have no idea what this post is about, check out the front page.
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Sabredurid330



Joined: 27 Sep 2006
Posts: 503

PostPosted: Wed Dec 06, 2006 10:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That's some good reading right there...

Ah, Albatros, you never cease to amaze me with your amazingness. Can't wait for more Very Happy

Oh, I particularly like the new stuff about the Scarlet Ressurection, if it fit my character more, I would consider enlisting... Though maybe I could make it fit Very Happy
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Heloly



Joined: 31 Jul 2005
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 06, 2006 11:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Like I said. Sexy re-write.
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Exodus



Joined: 26 Feb 2006
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 07, 2006 12:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dead sexy re-write. Although (and I haven't checked this out) I think you failed to realize that some people reading this story will not know who Tidus and Rhy are, and in that error you didn't introduce them that well. If I recall correctly, you said Horse lived with an orc and a skinny human with glowy eyes, then the next time you mentioned them by name and called Tidus an orc and somewhat described Rhy.

The chance of a reader not getting who these Rhy and Tidus characters are is small, but it seemed a lot less clear than the other introducing you had done, you never connected Horse seeing them with Horse earlier saying that he he lived with them.
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Amaunator



Joined: 03 Dec 2005
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Location: Belgium ... innocuous but intrepid!

PostPosted: Thu Dec 07, 2006 5:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmm... However much I applaud any and all efforts, it does seem like the story reads more utilitarian than it was before...

Especially this line stuck out as self-criticism and sarcasm of the highest quality: "The Resurrection needs to know why, and, by whatever mysterious means, you, an eight-foot tall tauren bull, are the best sneaker-about that I have."

Plot holes are only important if they are obvious Wink. That line was totally unnecessary, not to mention that it reads very stutteringly.
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Albatros
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 07, 2006 6:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You misunderstand me, sir: If one of the kids that worked for me back two jobs ago was a hulking, extraordinarily noticeable giant, yet had repeatedly proved himself able to go off and sneak into places where he should have been noticed, I would be very confused, and I would comment on it, using roughly the same words that Mr. Trent uses with Horse. Plot holes are only plot holes if they're plot holes. Wink Please tell me more - if what you say is true then I'd like to know, but your evidence to date is insubstantial! (sorry - have been chatting with my law school friend about legal stuff for a while)

As for its stuttering nature, yeah, it's not the smoothest line I ever wrote.

Ex - you're right, I lost that sentence somewhere in the rewrite. I've put their names back in.
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Aidinthel



Joined: 13 Mar 2006
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 07, 2006 6:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I had to read that line over again, but when I thougt about how it would sound if I were listening to someone say it, I figured it out pretty quickly.
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Cangjku



Joined: 06 Sep 2005
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Location: back in wisconsin

PostPosted: Fri Dec 08, 2006 5:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Definatly an intersting rewrite and there is some useful information that I don't exactly recall being there before. There were a couple typos I noticed towards the end of chapter 2. This is the part I was refering too.

Quote:
I woken up with a gasp, sitting bolt upright.

My room’s window had blown open. I got up and latched it shut. It was another dark, endless stretch of minutes before I fell asleep again.


I have also noticed a bit of a trend lately in your writing Albatros, namely that you seem to be TELLING not SHOWING me what is going on. I really noticed this with those new paragraphs and have noticed it a bit with the posts you used to finish up part 2. Truthful if I didn't already know that your talent was far better than what you have written in those new paragraphs I may well have stopped reading before things got interesting.

Show don't Tell, somthing you have generally been very good at, but seem to be struggling with lately.

I think that is all for now.
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Albatros
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 08, 2006 5:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I improved the line in question - it should read smoother now.

Cang, when you say I'm showing and not telling, are you referring to "It was another dark, endless stretch of minutes before I fell asleep again. "? I'd defend that sentence stylistically, but I've also thought of a better way to do it, and I might make the change at some point.

You're making a bold claim that my writing has been deteriorating into a Tell-athon. You might be right, but could you pull up some other quotes that you think are too tell-y? Could other folks react as well? I'm curious.
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Amaunator



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PostPosted: Fri Dec 08, 2006 7:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

What I've noticed is that your style has become more compact all of a sudden Smile. That must be because you're writing a lot of informative texts and prose (the 'you know what I mean'). I'm more than sure that you've finally got the idea of how you want it to be fixed in your head. Now you just need to relay it to us in a style we're used to see of you.

You yourself will only be able to grasp what your style is through us, because you are slightly subjective and subjected to your own writing. It can be hard then to understand something you already think to understand and even harder to change it. Worse would be to change it badly, because you'll be trying too hard and thinking too deeply.

Let it come naturally as you have done before. It's not writer's block, it's a dip in your practice Smile. You know what they say about athletes, they have to train to retain their muscle mass, not to expand it, because anything you gain over a short period of time can also vanish over a short period of time. Inspiration and fluid interpretation is just that. Practice will make perfect. Don't go analysing it to death Wink.

*/ramble*
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Saranus



Joined: 06 Sep 2005
Posts: 836

PostPosted: Sat Dec 09, 2006 1:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think the whole noir idea was the essense of the early Murloc. With the rewrite I feel some of that may have been lost. Don't get me wrong, it's still great and people will definitely still enjoy it. I enjoyed it a lot. The new tidbits and story are wonderful. But I can't help but feeling that the reason I like it so much is because I was already invested in the story.

Reading for the first time over a year ago, the noir setting was what grabbed me. It was so wonderfully apt in the high-fantasy WoW setting. That's why I missed that original first paragraph so much. The Murloc-isms that are sparsed throughout: "Hung up his mithrils, etc." I know that is still in there, but that's the sort of thing I latched on to.

If you've decided that your taking the story in a stylisticly new direction (which I don't think you are), I'm still behind Murloc 100%. And just for clarification, I saw no sort of jagged inconsitancy of style throughout the story. But I think the unique tone of the beginning held a special place in our hearts. That's not to say the new stuff doesn't belong, but speaking for myself, maybe the new stuff could have been added in a different way. But don't let any of us change how you want to write your story.

And I think I speak for all of us when I say, please don't let this cause you to revise the revision instead of filling out fix of all-new story.
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Cangjku



Joined: 06 Sep 2005
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 09, 2006 7:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

sorry Albatros, I wasn't overly clear, I added extra stuff to the quote not because anything was wrong other than that possible typo, but to hopefully make it easier to find and correct or modify. My bad for not being clear.

And when I say it feels like I am being told not shown probably has more to do with me reading to fast than anything else. I know that when I first read the second part of chapter 17 somthing felt different as I was reading and the thought that came into my mind at the time was, "I am being told not shown."

I had that same feeling when I started reading the rewrite with the dialoge between Horse and Jonathan Trent. Having since reread or at least skimmed through both parts I have come to the concluseion that I was wrong and it was very very rude of me to say anything. Sorry about that. Feel free to smack me upside the head should our paths ever cross.
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Exodus



Joined: 26 Feb 2006
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 13, 2006 7:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
“Yeah,” I said. “He was in his office when I snuck in, he was waiting for me. Told me to tell everyone what I told you guys, said he’d been the ones keeping all the Orcmar stuff from catching up with me.”


Probably should be changed to 'one,' but great rewrite. I don't quite remember if that was the way he left tidus last time (I somehow don't think it is) but that whole memory wipe thing was neat.

[[fixed, thanks -ed.]]]
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Slashtrain



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PostPosted: Wed Dec 13, 2006 10:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Then she hugged me around the waste, and then she turned for the door and was gone.


been a while, eh?

anyways, i think that should be "waist"

[[fixed, thanks -ed.]]
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Heloly



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PostPosted: Thu Dec 14, 2006 8:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice rewrite. Ummmin one of your lines you have 'breathed easy'

It should be breathe easy

[[fixed, thanks -ed.]]
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