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The Histories of Sharaz, as told by Coras

 
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Moorea



Joined: 23 Mar 2007
Posts: 383
Location: Hong Kong

PostPosted: Wed Dec 03, 2008 1:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Samej, welcome back to the sparse, dry land of writers (at least lately). It's great to see something new around here.

Let me share just a few thoughts I had after reading your piece. My first reaction was "WOW"....quite ambitious. This kind of reminds me of the Old Testament....Genesis & Leviticus all rolled into one. However, perhaps it's just my feeble brain...but after just a short ways into the story, I became confused over who begat who and who created who and which being came before which other being in the land that was not a land, but created out of light or desire somewhere, somehow, some time outside of every other possible combination known to mankind....

Do you see what I mean? Those first couple "paragraphs" are MUCHO WHAMMYS to the brain. I mean they are packed with information. So packed, that us mere mortals can't comprehend....or well, atleast I couldn't.

However, I believe that by adding some SPACES between paragraphs like what I've done here will help you. The spaces allow the reader to pause and reflect what's been read. At the moment, it's just sensory overload.

Please, add some spaces, man:) I'd like to read it again:)

From what I did comprehend, sounds like the beginning of some grand epic:)Smile

PS- You got the spacing perfect towards the end of the story...it's just the beginning that I'm referring too. Looking forward to some more!
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Samej



Joined: 04 Jul 2007
Posts: 153
Location: Star Dragon Tower

PostPosted: Wed Dec 03, 2008 11:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The spacing in the beginning is due to a translation error that occured when I pasted this from a regular text document. Ill try to indent/edit it in a bit.

As for Genesis-

First there was light. No planets, gods or life. Just...light. This primal & sterile light is known as Sol, and in its vastness it created a sort of intelligence. This intellect thought. Thus it could think of doubt. It doubted itself. This doubt created its opposite, Darkness (Sin), which banished Sol to a far away place.

Essentially, reality begins as nothing, then doubts itself, and destroys itself. Light -> Darkness -> Eventually desire to make life = planets + people.

Sol is also known as "Shorn", a derogatory term meaning "intellectualy sterile" in the language of Nyxians.

Hope that helps.
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~Man is felled by his own design~

Samej Arkanus-Poet, Scholar, Archmage
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Amaunator



Joined: 03 Dec 2005
Posts: 2074
Location: Belgium ... innocuous but intrepid!

PostPosted: Tue Dec 09, 2008 9:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Right, I finally found a spot of idle time Very Happy.

Well, after simply reading the first paragraph I'm telling you what I think about it: ineffective use of words and phrases, and they come over as hollow and somewhat meaningless. You are explaining the wrong things. We don't need to know that 'desire' is a being. You could scratch out half of the sentence there and be crude but poignant at the same time. This strange combination of effect lends you, paradoxally a more believable suave style.

Also "whose desire" :p. A special relative pronoun Wink.

Now, I understand the more metaphysical spheres you wish to take this story, but I feel that either you are being too purposelessly vague and ambiguous, but not nearly obstinately contradictory enough.
'a place, but no place'
'time, but not thís time (what? did we even read about time already?)'

Also, that Sin brings darkness, that sentence is entirely nebulous. It might be a nice instrument for telling the story, but you have not prepared the reader. Only when you have determined and proposed any clear language can you make an effect of obscure language.

Interlude: "crafted of its own desire to be able to create"

Another note on that sentence: there are so many more efficacious words and structures available for you to 'cleanse' your sentences of impurities. Like a goldsmith heats up his armory, you must let in the frenzy of writing to purify your material. "crafted of the desire to create," says exactly the same thing without sounding dreary or linguistically slouched :p.

Another little thing: you split up a line there between 'Sin's children, its servants' (and you misspelled 'its' :p. In prose, it's not done, I'm sad to say, though creative (I've never before seen this kind of enjambement in prose).

I like the second part, of wars and stars Wink. Mind you, I advise you to find some counsel regarding the relative pronouns and relative clauses and relative conjugation. You err on its behalf throughout, and it is the only real grammatical thing I see in need of real improvement.

Suddenly you speak of a truce between the Zin and... who? You haven't told us...

Don't use things like '85% of the human population', it's too statistical Very Happy.

As I read along, there arise a lot of errors for no other apparent reason than loss of concentration. Reread! Reread! Reread!

One more little point: 'achieve' not 'acheive'. In all forms: achieve, achievement, achieving, achiever... (I before E, except after C :p)

Overall, it's not... bad... But it loses itself in 'musings' along the way and as the 'history' moves on, you tell less and form less, you drift away into small facts that you suddenly expand to be of great importance, and then you eliminate them. You need a 'thread' throughout some of your paragraphs, an arch, that lends strength to the entire piece, like a clothesline to hang your different subjects up on with clothespins.

More structure and mastery, but keep at it.
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the sun may melt the rain
may rinse the sky may sink
the clouds may meet the dirt
may drop your heart may heal

feelings of love you love
fluttering hearts you hate
revealing souls you love
breaking spirits you hate that

the sun...
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Samej



Joined: 04 Jul 2007
Posts: 153
Location: Star Dragon Tower

PostPosted: Sun Dec 14, 2008 4:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The story has been updated quite extensively. I suggest you re read it and post more suggestions =D
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~Man is felled by his own design~

Samej Arkanus-Poet, Scholar, Archmage
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Amaunator



Joined: 03 Dec 2005
Posts: 2074
Location: Belgium ... innocuous but intrepid!

PostPosted: Sun Dec 21, 2008 5:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

and thus could feel such emotions as "Doubt" and "Love".
--> In this case, where you are setting off particular elements by means of a single quotation mark (' ').

living a paradise of sunless freedom
living in... Razz

That long banished being, light, returned and made war upon Sin once again.
--> don't you mean Light? Razz
Comes back several times.

The Kharxena rose from the breadth of light
--> breath?

Sin stole a small amount of the lights power
--> Light's (with or without the capital Smile)

Another thing though, why does Magic (whether or not capitalised) replicate? That you explain how it came to be is interesting, and the story does move far more diligently as such, but why does magic replicate? If it's born from two opposing forces, then how can it replicate? One would think that it rather be quite stagnant or even neutralise itself after a while?

Anger, an emotion Sin had learned from the Nyxians frustration at failed endeavors
--> Nyxian's

As soon as the first rays of the Sols light
--> Sol's

passed on genetically to the ‘experiments’.
--> I'd rather let that phrase end like "their experiments" without the need for any kind of quotation. There is no ambiguity about them being experiments, is there?

their governmental organization paralleling to the ways of the Nyxians
--> parallel to

The normal human lifespan was relatively short in the opinions of others, yet the passion they lived them with were praised.
--> You know, somewhere this sentence just doesn't add up... I'd say change it to 'they lived it with', but that doesn't really work either. So toss it about a little and find a new structure for it. It's a powerful sentence, so it needs a powerful structure.

The truce was broken and with glee humanity throw themselves once more against the light of Shorn.
--> threw

and disappeared into the Shadows of Legend. (His death was never confirmed)
--> put the period after the phrase in parentheses.

and the Ever going conquests of assimilation
--> no capital on 'ever'. There's absolutely no need.

The Zinirians were possessed by the spirit of control, and saw the best chance of knowledge and advancement when the entirety of humanity stands together.
--> The tense of 'stands' is entirely wrong. You could change it to either 'stood' or 'would stand', depending on what you mean.

Zins main advantages were in its Wizards
--> Zin's

most powerful among them The Timelords
--> no capital on 'the', and there are many strictly unnecessary capitals henceforth, but that's artistic license for you Razz.

The Daemon became the Empires Avatar of War against rebellion.
--> Empire's

the souls of those they fought became forfeit and subjected to many tortures vile
--> This really sounds like either a cheesy poetic verse or some French dilly-dallying! Get it out of my sight! Razz
Adjectives come before substantives do!

The war, although devastsating
--> devastating... Rolling Eyes

The war, although devastsating, burned itself out, the magicks of what was left of the Zinirian

Timelords being put towards the containment and isolation of that hellish Zone the fires of hate and peril had been wafted from.

--> Still that line break! You haven't been paying quite as much attention to my corrections as I thought you had! Tut tut!
Other than just fixing the line break, try to separate the sentence more. It's heavy and dreary, and confusing, but not really if one's smart enough Wink.

Strohms line broken
--> Strohm's
And you know, I remember that name from 'the Mask of Stromh III' as a quest in Baldur's Gate 2: Shadows of Amn Very Happy. Did it come from there or somewhere else, or did you conceive of it independently? Razz

the Storm Lords last Bastion
--> Storm Lords'

Now, I think that you've made a lot of progress! The creation story has improved dramatically! Smile Now I had a 'WOW'-reaction Wink. Just pay some more attention to those little details. Then now it's time for Shadesong.
_________________
the sun may melt the rain
may rinse the sky may sink
the clouds may meet the dirt
may drop your heart may heal

feelings of love you love
fluttering hearts you hate
revealing souls you love
breaking spirits you hate that

the sun...
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Samej



Joined: 04 Jul 2007
Posts: 153
Location: Star Dragon Tower

PostPosted: Mon Dec 22, 2008 10:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Still that line break! You haven't been paying quite as much attention to my corrections as I thought you had! Tut tut!


I'm using MS Text Document for this, I don't have Word. Forgive me if the translation screws things up.

Quote:
The Kharxena rose from the breadth of light

The Sol Orb (Sun) shone down a breadth of light upon Shazar, and from this brilliance of sunlight arose the Kharxena.

Quote:
And you know, I remember that name from 'the Mask of Stromh III' as a quest in Baldur's Gate 2: Shadows of Amn Very Happy. Did it come from there or somewhere else, or did you conceive of it independently?


I have played BG:II, but the name came from something else entirely.
(I played a CG Half-Elf Kensai/Mage named Kitsu. Good times.)

Quote:
>His name was but a memory of the first sound he had ever heard, a thunderous tempest that had awakened him.


In this case, I wanted the proverbial "God-Emperor" of Humanity to have a powerful name, and thus I capitalized upon the power of nature personified as the Storm. Strohm has the power and mode of might that I was looking for, and the name itself I gleaned from a reworking of the word "Storm". Also, his title of "Stormlord" comes from the fact that he was a very powerful Wizard in his own right, and would usually show off his power by destroying Sun Elf Legions or Cities with catastrophic Hurricanes or Tempests.[/quote]
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