Albatros Bits

Forums

 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

Silken Sheep

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Albatros Bits Forum Index -> The Writers' Nest
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
TIDYBOI



Joined: 16 Sep 2007
Posts: 47
Location: Caverns beneath the Opera Populare

PostPosted: Sat Aug 09, 2008 6:31 pm    Post subject: Silken Sheep Reply with quote

Snow falling slowly
Taking it's time to decide
How and when it dies.



"Evey bring in your fool of a brother before he catches cold!" Lida, Evey's step-mother, called from the kitchen where she was hacking at the distressingly bony carcase of a deer. "And mind the ice"-smack-"And if he's with one of his furry little friends be sure to bring them along."-thud-"we could use the meat"

Evey had been laying on her bed facing the window in the small room she and her younger step-brother Asden shared, daydreaming as she stared at the snow-laden evergreens that surrounded their house, and had jumped with a start at Lida's order.

"Okay Lida." She said, rolling out of bed and making her way to the front door. She was halfway there when she felt Lida's eyes on her back, stopping she prepared herself to face the short portly woman with red, frizzy, wire-thin hair.

Evey's own hair was straight, long, and perfectly black, it swept the small of her back as she turned.

There stood Lida, bloody apron stretched tight over her bulging form, she loosely held a cleaver in her right hand as she leaned her bulk against the frame of the kitchen door. "Where do you think your goin' dressed like that?" Lida asked, waving the knife at her in an aggravated manner. "I won't be having you run about wearing naught' but your negligee." Her puffy face sagged into a scowl. "Your mother may have allowed it but i won't have it so long as your a daughter of mine."

Evey blinked and looked down at her faded blue pajamas, they had been her mothers and were large on her, making her look -to Evey's dismay- even more flat-chested then she did when dressed properly. Perfectly unflattering as they were Linda had something against they way they hung off her step-daughter.

'Envious old hag.' Evey thought bitterly, "This" she began, pulling lightly at the front of her top to show it's loosness, "is not negligee." She let the fabric fall back into it's place and turned away from Lida, walking to the stool by the door and sitting to pull on her tight-fitting walking boots. "And really Lida" she continued, head bowed while she began lacing her shoes, "who's going to see me? We live in the middle of nowhere, it's freezing so only a freak like Asden would be out, and the only path leading to any form of civilization" she paused to toss her hair back and out of her face before lacing the second boot, "is completely, totally, and undeniably impassible."

When Evey looked up again she was greeted by a decidedly unpleasant sight. Lida was scarlet, her muddy-brown eyes were so wide they might have fallen straight from their sockets, apparently something, or perhaps many things, Evey said had displeased her. It was obvious to Evey what had caused the change, 'here we we go...' she thought as she leaned back with a sigh.

"'Alders and apples, ashes and box.'" Lida began as she hobbled towards Evey, her grumbling voice chant-like, "'Blackthorn and birches, hornbeams and hazels. Bay willows, crack willows, white willows and yews!" Lida's voice had steadily grown louder as she waived her knife around. Yet Evey did not feel threatened, she had heard it all before, "Woe to thee, who treads so free. Thee who worries not. Of the things these clever trees, so carefully hath wrought." Lida growled lowly, standing still and staring down...up at Evey as she stood, much taller at eight-teen than the short middle-aged woman.

Evey grinned playfully, her emerald eyes glittering with mischief as she glared down her nose at Lida, "How many times do I have to say this Lida? Your not my mother, Asden is not my brother, this is not my house, and your narrow-minded beliefs in faeries and elves are nothing but child's tales to me. Now" she said briskly, grabbing her dead fathers gray overcoat and yanking it on, "I'm going to go get Asden, consider it a favor." She continued talking as she pushed the cotton sleeves of the coat which was far to big for her up so they rested at her wrist. "When I get home I don't want to hear about this, I'll likely go to bed, do not disturb me." She spoke cheerfully as she walked to the door and slammed it shut behind her.
----------------------------------

First try at fiction. Please let me know if you think I should continue, cuz believe me I'm not my harshest critic. Neutral
_________________
Links, rechts, gerade aus. Du bist in labyrinth.
Links, rechts, gerade aus.
Links, rechts, gerade aus.
Klopf klopf lasst mich ein
Lasst mich sei geheimnis sein
Klopf klopf... Klopf klopf.


Last edited by TIDYBOI on Sun Aug 10, 2008 6:08 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Amaunator



Joined: 03 Dec 2005
Posts: 2074
Location: Belgium ... innocuous but intrepid!

PostPosted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 3:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmm, something new to lighten up the abandoned aisles and haunted halls of this brand-spanking brilliant (posting) board! Surprised

I'll go over a couple of bullet points I think are note-worthy for any story and I'll tell you how you mark Wink. Mind you, I am my own worst critic, and everyone else is on the lean side, so do take what I say with a powder puff of salted criticism.

Vocabulary: First of all are you acrobatic with words, a creative spook to haunt us all in our weary or waking hours by the wit of words instilled in your raptorous rapport with the squiggly buggers?!

I must say I don't find you lacking too much. There is always room for improvement, but you meet the base requirements (my base requirements, verily. One critic doesn't make a critique Wink).

There is some vocabularly confusion though. 'Lida' as you call her at the start changes to 'Linda' and back to 'Lida'. Given a storyline precedent for a character changing names, that might have been totally logical - as I've seen in other writings - but this isn't Wink.

Grammar and punctuation: A grating cornerstone of language built to support that archway of meaning and quite unforgettable lest you want us to understand you, and I do, so I think we're all right. Moving on.

Style: From what little I have seen, I can't say it's a particularly enticing style, but I'm sure you still need to grow into your own. It took many writers long enough to find their writing 'voice', so to speak or write, so I'll not be too harsh on you. The thing is that this ties in with your use of words, and since that's not boring me out of my wits, you've got enough going for you to keep the reader appeased - yet still slightly hungry Wink.

Other than that I saw some small errors of vocabulary and punctuation, but they were minimal and quickly disposed of. I'll leave that to you.

What I did want to talk about mostly was the haiku you gave in advance. You can't get any starker a constrast between an antediluvian Japanese style of verse and a modern(istic) style of narrative, I think. Both describing the same scene.

Snow falling slowly
Taking its time to decide
How and when it dies.

First off i would say that 'slowly' is utterly unneeded, which might in itself be construed as a stylistic redundancy, but I'm all against adverbs in general, so it only fuels my ire. Very Happy
The thing is, because it is the last word of the first verse, it stands out very much and gets all the more emphasis, which it doesnt deserve in any case. If anything the verb deserves more stress (although verbs in itself are pretty useless in haiku, I find. It comes from a noun-driven language, so verbs are usually implicitly part of the word, such as snow means that it is indeed snow and that snow is indeed falling (down, which is the logical course of things Laughing)).

Now, the middle verse is quite good, I feel. It captures the meditative air of haiku in general. Do mind that it's 'its' in this case Very Happy.

The last verse... Well, it just doesn't really fit. Snow can't 'die' as so much that it is 'killed', I feel. So it can contemplate death, but not dying. That's just my opinion though. And in any case one would rather say 'how and when to die'.
_________________
the sun may melt the rain
may rinse the sky may sink
the clouds may meet the dirt
may drop your heart may heal

feelings of love you love
fluttering hearts you hate
revealing souls you love
breaking spirits you hate that

the sun...
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
TIDYBOI



Joined: 16 Sep 2007
Posts: 47
Location: Caverns beneath the Opera Populare

PostPosted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 6:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!

I feel like my avatar!
"Linda" ouch i didn't notice that xD, yeah I was typing fast and my 5th grade teacher was in my head (yes her name was Linda)
Honestly I wasn't to crazy about my poem either, and I did like the middle line best, but I rather felt slowly was needed -I've seen slow come down in a flurry and then fall like feathers- but yeah, snow can't die (poor snow Sad ) so I shalt now continue... or start typing, I have places to go =P
and the name of the story just might come in next installment =D

P.S: I really do appreciate you taking the time to give such a thorough reply, your opinion means a lot to me =o

P.P.S: also I changed the Linda bit but left the rest for future reff. (on my part)

P.P.P.S: I was re-reading what you said and really. "Vocabulary: First of all are you acrobatic with words, a creative spook to haunt us all in our weary or waking hours by the wit of words instilled in your raptorous rapport with the squiggly buggers?!"

BEST. COMPLIMENT. EVER.
_________________
Links, rechts, gerade aus. Du bist in labyrinth.
Links, rechts, gerade aus.
Links, rechts, gerade aus.
Klopf klopf lasst mich ein
Lasst mich sei geheimnis sein
Klopf klopf... Klopf klopf.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
TIDYBOI



Joined: 16 Sep 2007
Posts: 47
Location: Caverns beneath the Opera Populare

PostPosted: Tue Aug 12, 2008 10:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Two

Leaning her back against the heavy wooden door of the house Evey let out a long sigh, her warm breath appeared before her and a smile flickered across her angular face, 'gotta' love winter'. Looking around passively Evey noticed Asden's footprints, still fresh in the snow and leading into the forest, where they promptly disappeared from sight as the snow gave way to solid earth and pine-trees. Frowning a bit Evey walked to the side of the house and and past a small pile of fire-wood, next to which lay a double-bit lumber axe, picking it up from the base of the long handle Evey held it lazily, dragging it beside her as she made her way into the forest.
----------------------------------------------------
"And when she's mad she turns all pink." Asden said, his curly brown hair swaying as he giggled and grinned happily at his new friend who was sitting across from him smiling.

His friend laughed in amusement and smiled again, Asden liked it best when he smiled, he reminded him of his dad. "You don't seem to think much of your mother, does she not care for you well?" his friend asked, his honeyed voice made strange from worry.

Asden frowned a bit, "Nah, she cooks for use but the food isn't very good," his expression brightened, his hazel eyes growing wide, as he continued, "Evey takes care of me, she's the best I bet you'd like her, she's pretty and she can make really funny faces, like this." The little boy pulled on his ears and puffed out his cheeks, his friend laughed dutifully and contented himself by grinning like a kid as Asden continued. "She's really goofy sometimes but I still think she's the best." His face went blank very suddenly and then became very cheery again as he jumped to his feet. "Guess what?" He chortled happily, not waiting for a response, "I bet she's coming to get me right now, that means you can meet her, cmon'!" As soon as his friend stood, looking excited, Asden grabbed his hand, but was only able to fully grasp his thumb, which was good enough for him as they ran through the wood, somehow retracing his lost steps.
----------------------------------------------------
"Evey the trees!"-thud-"Evey they're angry!"-snap-"Evey they're going to eat you!" Evey stopped then, her face twisted as she tried vainly to suppress the laughter that was bubbling up her throat with demonic haste.

The forest echoed around her as she nearly toppled over laughing, her breath was lost but she hardly cared until it became a more immediate problem as she was rolling on the earth gasping desperately for air.

When she succeeded in regaining her breath she shuffled over to a freshly mangled tree and, leaning against it, took a moment to regain what was left of her composure, biting hard on her knuckle she stopped her insane giggling. Once she had rendered herself silent she sighed, a placid smile creeping across her features.

Needless to say she was in a good mood, not that she knew just why, somewhere along her desultory path she had been overcome with a feeling of joy. She quickly sated her confusion with the thought that the sudden euphoria was caused by her distance from Lida, in celebration she thought it best that she destroy a few trees.

Standing, Evey continued on jovially, hacking at random trees as she made her way deeper into the forest, smiling blissfully.

As she sauntered along she hardly noticed that the trees had managed to completely block out the sun, which was high in the sky when she left not a hour ago, still there was not perfect darkness. Rather everything seemed to glow and, seeing as there were so many "things", the forest seemed to hum with otherworldly light, the many glows becoming diffuse before blending together seamlessly.

Still just before her, there was darkness, and it was the image that came forth from the darkness that caused her to drop her axe, it was the idea it represented which buried itself within her, that caused her body to physically reject it. Her knees buckled and she was on the ground, head bowed as she retched, her stomach convulsing madly but emitting nothing but searing bile.

There was a quite laugh, a whisper of joy, before her world dropped out from beneath her.
----------------------------------------------------
Asden watched in shock as his sister fell to the ground, his small hands flying to his mouth to stifle a scream as she vomited before slipping into unconsciousness. For a moment he had forgotten about his friend, who was looking at Evey curiously, his head tilted to the side as he tried to see the girls face, but she had landed face first in the grass just beside where she vomited. Asden did not look at him, a small groan of frustration escaped his lips as he tried unsuccessfully to wake her, he tried to move her away from where she had fallen but he was a small boy and only managed to pull her a few inches towards a tree.

It was then that he looked at his friend, who was staring at his sister in silent fixation, "Help me?" Asden said quietly, his soft voice pleading. His friend blinked once, twice, before he glanced at Asden, his lips twitching slightly as if to smile. He moved towards them slowly as Asden backed away to give him room. The boy proceeded to speak hurridley about her health. "She's never done this before, I mean she's been sick," his friend seemed not to hear him as he knelt beside her shoulder and gently rolled her over, resting her head on his lap, "...never like this, she's so pale do you think she'll" he blinked at what he saw, she was white as a sheet but he found her fair features exceedingly beautiful, "and then there were those mushrooms...", infinitely slowly he reached a gloved hand to brush the dirt and leaves from her face.

Asden had been rambling for quite some time before he noticed the way his friend was stroking Evey's face, her hair, a gloved hand rested gently on her pale neck. "Um... do you think you should be... mom says not to touch people like th-", was about to recite the speech he had been given about 'adult-type touching' when he was interrupted.

"'How beautiful you are, not to love me.'" His friend said softly,addressing his sister with haunted eyes, Asden inhaled sharply and looked at his sister in desperation, she was so pale she looked dead, tears began to well in Asden's eyes as he spoke hurridly.

"I think we should go home, please take us home." His friend looked at him sharply, anger flashing across his face, the idea of either of them leaving did not seem to please him. "I wanna go home. Make her get up..." Asden said frantically, choking on his breath as he sobbed, some instinct only small children posse told him that he was not going to get what he wanted, and seeing that what he wanted was his sister was making him feel exceedingly powerless.

His friend ignored him, looking back at Evey he continued to stroke her hair, a hand raised to caress her cheek but stopped when he was struck in the head with a pine-cone. "Stop touching her!" Asden yelled running towards them only to trip on a root that seemed to come out of nowhere. The root then wrapped itself around Asden's ankles several times, growing thicker with each loop, Asden screamed and look up towards his sister but her eyes did not meet his.

His friend was looking at him coldly and Asden did not register the chill that was slowly engulfing him, only that his breathing had halted, trapped somewhere in his throat, and that he was falling, straight down, sinking into the frozen earth that churned beneath him. He was trapped at his waist when he began to struggle, clawing at the earth around him and trying desperately to scream only to find each time that his voice had left him; and so he clawed mutely as he sunk deeper, his last sight was that of his sister, cradled in his old friends lap.


[so I said I'd get the meaning of the name in right? Guess I lied for now xD. Wow color coded, nice. So yeah I can't help but think this is a bit willy-nilly T.T Am... someone help...]
_________________
Links, rechts, gerade aus. Du bist in labyrinth.
Links, rechts, gerade aus.
Links, rechts, gerade aus.
Klopf klopf lasst mich ein
Lasst mich sei geheimnis sein
Klopf klopf... Klopf klopf.


Last edited by TIDYBOI on Fri Aug 15, 2008 7:42 am; edited 2 times in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Amaunator



Joined: 03 Dec 2005
Posts: 2074
Location: Belgium ... innocuous but intrepid!

PostPosted: Wed Aug 13, 2008 9:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well apart from some spelling errors (really, just reread some Very Happy), this wasn't too bad. I'll be digging some more into the style here Wink.

Look at these sentences:
Leaning her back against the heavy wooden door of the house Evey let out a long sigh her warm breath appeared before her...

where they promptly disappeared from sight as the snow gave way to solid earth and pine-trees.


These are only small examples, but they'll do. First of all, let's make something clear: writing is not all about just putting words on a paper. Sometime's it's best to take them away again too Very Happy.

In that first sentence you can just as well lose 'her back' and 'warm' and 'before her'. These are unnecessary words and they only slow the reader down without adding anything. The same for the second sentence: 'promptly' is a word you can promptly scratch out when you catch it in your writing Smile. And in this case 'from sight' is quite useless too since you've already ascertained that Evey is looking at them. Things like that prop up all the time in most people's writing. The trick is knowing afterwards what to scratch out.

Now, on to the next issue: that first sentence is a piling-up of ideas, but they are unstructured (in this case causing kind of a run-on). I can understand that you're carried away when you write (it's the way it should be Very Happy), but do return and correct! Sometimes these things can happen and they can be used properly, but you need to put thought in what you write.

It's good that you're keeping up some mystery though. There's still a lot of questions unanswered I'm very much interested in. Smile
_________________
the sun may melt the rain
may rinse the sky may sink
the clouds may meet the dirt
may drop your heart may heal

feelings of love you love
fluttering hearts you hate
revealing souls you love
breaking spirits you hate that

the sun...
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
TIDYBOI



Joined: 16 Sep 2007
Posts: 47
Location: Caverns beneath the Opera Populare

PostPosted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 6:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you. Very Happy

It never did occur to me to remove anything from it but I know that feeling of the author dragging things out (and I hate it) so sorry for that =(

I'll re-type the first paragraph ina bit, but I won't be editing it on the post (again, learning purposes.)

On that note I'd like to take this moment to say thank you again, I feel like I've already learned a few things about writing, mainly in the editorial area but hey that's something I'm -really- lacking in! Very Happy
_________________
Links, rechts, gerade aus. Du bist in labyrinth.
Links, rechts, gerade aus.
Links, rechts, gerade aus.
Klopf klopf lasst mich ein
Lasst mich sei geheimnis sein
Klopf klopf... Klopf klopf.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Alec



Joined: 27 Oct 2005
Posts: 1342

PostPosted: Fri Aug 15, 2008 12:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

You spelled "Evey" as "Every" in the second sentence there.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
TIDYBOI



Joined: 16 Sep 2007
Posts: 47
Location: Caverns beneath the Opera Populare

PostPosted: Fri Aug 15, 2008 7:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

So I did, I was goin' pretty fast when I wrote that bit xD
Anyway I'll fix it, nothing huge I feel =P

Thanks Smile
_________________
Links, rechts, gerade aus. Du bist in labyrinth.
Links, rechts, gerade aus.
Links, rechts, gerade aus.
Klopf klopf lasst mich ein
Lasst mich sei geheimnis sein
Klopf klopf... Klopf klopf.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
TIDYBOI



Joined: 16 Sep 2007
Posts: 47
Location: Caverns beneath the Opera Populare

PostPosted: Sun Oct 12, 2008 9:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Three

How long had he sat there, her head on his lap? How much time had passed before the sun began to set? How long had it been before she first stirred?

It startled him, he had been contemplating the creamy shade of her freckles when she turned her head in his lap and let out a shivering breath. His eyes widened as he realized that it was night and that the temperature had dropped considerably, her fair skin was now deathly pale and -he suspected- that it would be cold to the touch.

A hand clad in leather moved to support her head as he shifted from beneath her to kneel at her side. Carefully slipping his free arm under her bent knees he held her loosely, her full weight resting on his arms, which hardly tensed under the additional load. He held her just above his knee, not wanting to stand and finish the deed that had begun some hours earlier. A smile spread swiftly across his face once again as he became the rapt observer, only to fade as she let out a hacking cough, the sound of which cursed his ears.

He pulled himself from his musings and stood, his body rigid and his head high, looking every part the valiant knight come to save the princess. Only the princess in his arms was not holding his neck or clinging to his shoulder smiling at him joyfully, her body had begun to wane since she first moved, where it was once unyielding it now crumbled, laying listless in his arms, joints turning into every angle gravity saw fit to pull them.

Turning on his heels he walked swiftly through the forest, passing directly over the patch of earth Asden had disappeared into and not caring so much as to blink.
-------------------------------------------------
"It's arm broken." A squeaky voice said confidently, calling from somewhere in the darkness that surrounded Asden.

"No it ain't!" A harsher voice yelled, echoing in a manner similar to the first voice.

There was the familiar sound of a match flaring before Asden could see for about ten feet, although he wished once more for darkness immediately after the light came. He was in a corridor of some sort, by the looks of it it was tunneled clear through earth; the ceiling was without supports and about ten feet high. The hall was roughly cut, the floor terribly uneven and even the ceiling, upon further inspection, dipped and rose between foot intervals.

"AGH! What goes on?!" The squeaky voice yelled once the match was lit. "Why you do tha-" There was a metallic -clunk- and the voice was silenced.

Asden, who had been lying prone on the floor of the hall, attempted to roll over so he could look behind him at the voices, but once he made his first attempt to move a small but powerful foot planted itself between his shoulder blades.

"You are in the hall of the Lord Vornarack now little elf, best not to move unless told ta' do so." The gruff voice said from above him.

"Elf? I'm no elf!" Asden tried to push himself up but a sharp pain in his arm caused him to yield before any fight started.

"Oh aren't ye now?" Asden squinted his eyes shut against the light the small oil lamp gave off as it was placed beside his head, the foot move and two small, strong hands took hold of his side and rolled him over roughly.

Asden wanted very much to scream at violent pain that blossomed in his arm but he now realized it would do him little good. Standing beside him was, "a dwarf..." Asden whispered, mesmerized in spite of his current situation.

He was pale, but clearly in fine health, his cheeks were rosy, or what could be seen of them were, he sported a brown beard that reached down to the base of his neck and up nearly to his eyes. Asden thought the rest of his head was bald but he was wearing a metal helmet so it was very hard to tell. He looked very strong, seemingly every muscle in his upper body pushing against the lining of his simple yellow shirt. His legs were mostly black leather, his boots -clearly not made for dwarves- taking up much of that area.

"Aye', and what are you then? You're a might scrawny, even for an elf." The dwarf looked down at him curiously, his beady black eyes pinched in a glare.

Asden blinked, "I'm a boy... you know, a human?" He tried to sit up again, this time successfully propping himself up on his good arm. He looked away from the dwarf to examine himself, his tunic and trousers were torn and caked with dirt, the was some blood but only from nicks that had already scabbed over, his ankles were bruised, as was his left arm, but the bruise there seemed much worse. It throbbed constantly now and it had swollen terribly. He did not notice the way the dwarf was staring at him in disbelief.

"Nonsense, humans are a myth, stories told to scare children away from The World Above," he huffed a sigh and squatted down next to Asden, "not that they're needed, the elves are enough to fear."

Asden frowned, this was all very confusing to him, "Have you ever seen an elf Mr. Dwarf?"

"It's Knock, and no I haven't... well," he smiled a cheeky grin and poked Asden on the shoulder, "at least not a fully grown one." Knock began to poke Asden curiously, prodding his chest, his swollen arm; he pulled back Asden's lips but snatched his hand away before the boy could bite it. "So where are your fangs little elf? Or do they grow out when you're older?"

Asden was glaring at Knock, his mouth shut protectively, after he was satisfied that the dwarf was not going to remove his teeth once he opened his mouth he spoke. "I am not an elf for the last time I'm a boy, I don't have pointy ears or anything like that. My name's Asden Lockwood, my mom's name is Lida and I have a sister named." A pause. "Her name is... It's really short and..." He had become cheery at her mentioning, that being that embodied everything one could want in a sister -or perhaps in a mother- but his face slowly went lax, his eyes growing distant as he scoured his mind desperately for some shred of a real memory of her.

"If you're a human, and I ain't sayin' you are, what are you doing in the Forest Bellow?" Knock asked, waving a hand in front of Asden's vacant face.

It came back in a flash, his friend talking to him, the two of them running through the forest, Evey falling, the way his friend stared at her, throwing something at him, anger, pain, the feeling of suffocation.

Slowly, Asden tilted his head to look directly above where he lay; Knock followed the boys gaze.

"Oh boy..."
_________________
Links, rechts, gerade aus. Du bist in labyrinth.
Links, rechts, gerade aus.
Links, rechts, gerade aus.
Klopf klopf lasst mich ein
Lasst mich sei geheimnis sein
Klopf klopf... Klopf klopf.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
TIDYBOI



Joined: 16 Sep 2007
Posts: 47
Location: Caverns beneath the Opera Populare

PostPosted: Sat Mar 28, 2009 9:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

[[I haven't given up on this yet, I re-read it a few times, took some things out (by some things I mean a LOT, I'm tryin' here) anyway, I know this may be from Mars but I enjoy writing and want to get better =) ]]

Four

"Cretin!" Knock yelled, kicking what Asden had first thought was a pile of rags, the rags shifted and a small creature jumped up. It was a goblin, it's large eyes darted around and it picked a pointed ear with it's grubby hand.

Knock had hauled Asden to his feet with a single hand before kicking the goblin towards the boy. "Move it!" he barked angrily.

"Are you going to say sorry for h- ow..." Cretin stopped a moment to rub it's eye, dirt had fallen in it from the ceiling. "Wha?" They all looked up in time to see that there was a small depression in the ceiling just above where Asden had landed, dirt was pouring down from it slowly.

No one moved for a moment, then Cretin was sheiking down the hall, Asden and Knock following not far behind.

Asden was bitting back tears, his right foot was bare and pounding down on the rough floor with each step, it was not long before it was numb -though he did not want to think why-. "Where are we going?!" He needed to shout because fifty yards behind them the ceiling had finally collapsed.

Everyones pace quickened considerably as a crack began to form on the ceiling above them. "Not far, the door the the Forest Bellow." Knock huffed, just beside Asden.

He had not been exagerating, as more of the ceiling crumbled a large stone door came into view, it was open and beyond Asden could just make out the dark shapes of trees. Cretin was the first out, followed by Asden and lastly Knock, who had stumbled just before the door and been pulled through by Asden as the final mound of earth caved in.

Knock was laying face-first in sweet smelling grass, Cretin sat beside him hugging his knees and looking shaken. Asden was the only one who seemed fine, better than fine, he had somehow managed to forget about the insane amount of pain he was in as he stared at the forest before him, which could not be mentioned without first noting the chamber it was in.

Horizons, never before had he seen them, but the land before the forest was flat and stretched to the left and right until it disapeared into darkness which -for him- was close enough to a horizon. The size of the chamber was inconceivable to the young boy, no matter which way he looked everything eventualy became fuzzy and vanished. The door they had come through was dwarfed by the great limestone wall it was set in, which stretched along the forest forever, and went up and up until.

"It touches the sky..." He whispered, staring now at the strange sky that hung above the wall. He closed his eyes a moment then opened them again, his expression changing from one of wonder to one of confusion, he heard Knock roll over behind him.

"Wait a minute... There shouldn't be a sky." There was no moon in the nightsky, which was more purple than blue, and very few stars, it reminded Asden of a river, there were currents of pink and black running over the purple, swirling around invisible rocks, and twisting in false corners.

"There isn't, at least not in the sense your thiking of. That's a barrier, made long ago to keep our magic from reaching your world where it would wreak havoc." Knock explained, now standing beside Asden.

"Right." Asden said, not really understanding.

"Well, best be going." Knock patted Asden on the back and turned to the forest, Asden did as well. Both paused before the treeline, a cool wind blew past them, sending shivers down their spines.

"That can't be good." Knock muttered, stepping over a blacked root and into the wood.
----------------------------------------------
Evey lay in a bed of bright purple leaves, staring up at strange sky, she was in a clearing in a dark forest of black trees and sharp branches. She could not recall how she had come to lay there, only that she felt plesantly warm after being cold for what felt like an eternity. Her legs tingled and she was overcome by the urge to walk, she stood slowly, brushing off her dress.

She did not remember the dress with it's cloth of gold, but it only seemed natural that she be wearing it here, where-ever here was.

The dress swirled around her ankles as a cool wind blew from behind her, she raised her bare arms and relished the tingle the wind left on the skin, her long black hair wiped around before her and she laughed.

When the wind died she turned around, fog was creeping along the ground towards her slowly, white and thick like so many undulating snakes. It's unnatural movents frightened her, and she stumbled back, her bare feet stinging as she triped on a fallen tree-limb.

She righted herself and looked back at the fog, it moved towards her in fits and starts, not at all the way fog should move. Turning her back to it she ran to the far side on the clearing and crashed through the brush. She was so far in the dense forest that the clearing could no longer be seen when the fog wrapped around her ankles. From a distance she could hear music.

Evey stealed her nerves and turned around, the fog had relinquished her legs and was receding some feet. It pooled over the earth, not five feet from her, and coiled upward and downward, in and out and over and under, seething like boiling water. And then it stilled, pouring itself into a shape, first faintly outlined, then stretching and solidifying into some form approaching that of a man.

Evey's breath was all that could be heard in the forest that stretched around her. She heared her own gasps and shudders for air as starlight shone on the writhing fog, another gust of cold wind took on its own color and burnished the contorting and changing figure. Pale light seemed to warm the arms and hands that suddenly reach upward, black and leathery, towards the shifting sky.

She looked upward and saw the sky twist strangely, in perfect time with the slow waves of the figures hands, pushing against the current of color until all was very still. The firgure brought down it's hands as the sky fell, black and purple strewn with stars, down and around it's shoulders. Evey gasped in spite of herself as the cloak tumbled to the ground in a sweep of soft darkness and stars fell, to settle gently in pale windswept hair and make a crown.

Evey took in it's image whole, thin body clad in black leather that reflected and bent light like glass, it's surface simmering as it disapeared under the silken cloak, pale hair, horridly uneven, that gently swept it's shoulders, crown of stars, at first so bright it was impossible to look at, but quickly dimming to a faint glow.

Then she felt the bottom drop out of her stomach as the figure turned to looked at her, it walked towards her smoothly, flowing over bumpy roots and through sharp branches. Those same branches twisted back from touching it, their wild jerks and snaps should have been audible, but there was only silence.

She stopped breathing when she saw it's face, pale skin stretched taught over sharp features, colorless over it's high cheekbones, aquiline nose between pale silver-blue eyes that slid like snakes over her form before resting on her eyes. It held it's head high, angelic face keeping a benevolent expresion, which brought more horror than joy to Evey's heart.

A whisper came forward from deep in Evey's memory. The line came from a farytale she had read long, long ago, she muttered the phrase to herself then, under her breath.

“It is a wisp of fog... It is a wisp of fog..."

The face parted in a chilling smile, she saw the lips move but heard nothing for a moment, then slowly -and from all around her- a mellifluous voice said, “Really, Evey. I think not.”
_________________
Links, rechts, gerade aus. Du bist in labyrinth.
Links, rechts, gerade aus.
Links, rechts, gerade aus.
Klopf klopf lasst mich ein
Lasst mich sei geheimnis sein
Klopf klopf... Klopf klopf.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Albatros Bits Forum Index -> The Writers' Nest All times are GMT - 5 Hours
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You cannot moderate your topics in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group

 

Art by
A

fansite



© Albatros. All rights reserved.