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Dragoneer Crusades

 
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QurtysLyn



Joined: 19 Jan 2008
Posts: 1

PostPosted: Sat Jan 19, 2008 8:07 pm    Post subject: Dragoneer Crusades Reply with quote

Hey y'all,

I'm new to the forums here, but not new to the site, I've been reading The Murloc forever. I've been working on a story for a long time, and figured this was good place to post about it, as there are so many conisuers of literature here.

It's too long for me to post here, but it is available to read on my website. http://qurtys.delfonzo.com. I would really appreciate comments and feed back on it. There's nowhere on my site currently to put them, so you can just post them here.

A little side note, I've been working on this for four years, and the early chapters need a bit of work to be up to the quality of the latest chapters, I'm working on it, so keep that in mind.
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Aidinthel



Joined: 13 Mar 2006
Posts: 3145
Location: a series of lairs, each more secret than the last

PostPosted: Sat Jan 19, 2008 8:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Four years? I think I'll wait until tomorrow to look at it.

Welcome to the forums, on behalf of everyone who would be a better greeter than me but isn't here.
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Exodus



Joined: 26 Feb 2006
Posts: 2262
Location: P-Town represent!

PostPosted: Sat Jan 19, 2008 10:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's bookmarked, so I'll get to it. Probably not immediately, though, since finals are coming up and I'm loaded with homework right now :/.

I do like the intro, though. It has me interested.
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Exodus



Joined: 26 Feb 2006
Posts: 2262
Location: P-Town represent!

PostPosted: Thu Jan 24, 2008 11:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Before reading all this, keep in mind that while I do like the language, I'm 16. I'm no expert. Most experts have been studying this stuff for longer than I've been alive. All that I say here should have a big "IMUO" in front of it, where the U stands for Uneducated, and the rest is IMO as normal.

Alright, so after reading the first chapter I have a little bit. first is this: “We don’t like the palace guards, they think they’re better than everyone else,” Nyltiak answered for all of them. ----> I would suggest a colon (semi- or otherwise) between the two clauses inside the quote.

The next is more of a style thing, and probably harder to fix. In this category, I'd just like to say what my english teacher always told me: "show, don't tell." Meaning: instead of saying, for example, "The three elves, knowing the guards would surely kill him if they found him, quickly hid B’Rennat under one of the beds," try something along the lines of the elves first telling him the guards would kill him if they caught him, and then narrate as such: "B'Rennat's knees scraped the rough plank floor as the elves shoved him under the bed."

As for the reading, it feels like I'm driving down a scenic road in a car with small slits for windows: I can see enough to know where I am and what's going on, but it could be so much more beautiful if I had a bigger window to look through. (The metaphor's a bit sketchy, but the point is that you should probably mix some longer, more descriptive sentences in with the shorter ones. I'm taking out the filter between what my brain thinks and what my fingers type here but, at the risk of being redundant, I'd say that you might want to fit more narration (and definitely blocking) in with your dialogue (and story in general).

Oh, and also, you seem to be saying things like, "he saw" and, "he heard" a lot. This suggestion you should take with some extra salt, since I'm unsure of it myself, but I would save those phrases for when you want to detach your character from the actions that are happening, or give some (very subtle) doubt as to whether or not what he saw or heard actually happened.

Another edit as I'm reading a bit of the start of it all, I found an example of the good narration/blocking that I think you need more of. Stuff like this: Nevets stood dumbfounded for a second as he thought over this revelation, then broke into a run and followed Noled. “They’re going to need my help.”
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Amaunator



Joined: 03 Dec 2005
Posts: 2074
Location: Belgium ... innocuous but intrepid!

PostPosted: Fri Jan 25, 2008 11:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've been reading the prologue etc. up to the eight chapter, and I'm sad to say: I am not all that engrossed or amazed. There's nothing fundamentally wrong with the story, the grammar or the vocabulary (though the language could do with a sprucing up), but it seems hassled.

The prologue is vague and makes no sense. First there's one race, then there's two, then there's a dozen, and suddenly everyone's friends from being enemies Confused.

That's just for starters. The writing style is very much like many other (amateur) stories. Nothing wrong with that, it's a phase, but it shows. There's little to no depth to the characters and conversations are 'robotic'. Things happen like you want them to happen, which is easy for storytelling, but bad for reading. Not to mention that the 'roguish' characters are cliché, as is their boyish character. Furthermore: elves. Nowadays they don't fit into a story anymore, unless you've got them put into an entirely different role, but you haven't.

These are fundamental problems, sadly. And there is little that anyone can help you with on how to 'fix' them. You first have to see it that way yourself (which is a harsh reality to come by, but nonetheless a required eye-opener). The best advice anyone can give you is: read lots and lots of books, even and certainly outside the fantasy genre.
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