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Part Two - The Crown of the Heavens
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Albatros
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Joined: 15 Jul 2005
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 21, 2007 11:26 pm    Post subject: Part Two - The Crown of the Heavens Reply with quote

I've got the first half or so of the first chapter of the second part of my crown-themed Book Two written (finally) and posted - Flight.

*ahem* Go Sox.
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Exodus



Joined: 26 Feb 2006
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 22, 2007 12:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

That whole paragraph in the parenthesis confused me a bit. Shocking!
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goofydude



Joined: 01 Mar 2006
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 22, 2007 7:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Heh, the (vague, distant) thing kinda confused me, it almost seemed as if he had written both thoughts out to decide which one to use it and never got back to it. lol.

But it does make more sense (for me) without the parentheses.
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Aroka



Joined: 10 Aug 2007
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 22, 2007 11:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This one kind of confused me, especially the fact that Horse kept switching from Cat too Bull too Horse even though you didn't mean it. Like the one part when he's in the Monastary you say "...but instead of falling behind as my hooves pounded at the spongy ground, they just shuffled faster..." but then write a paragraph down "I bounded up it, my cat paws sure against the jagged mortar." Giving the implication that Horse for some reason had switched too Bull from the last chapter then back too Cat. Another phrase does the same thing, where's his equine longs hurt or something but he is in Bull form.
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drakedragon92



Joined: 06 Aug 2006
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 22, 2007 8:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

yea, sometime early in the story you also used the abriviated "sec" for second. i think u gotta fix it to make it sound more...y'no....book-like
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Exodus



Joined: 26 Feb 2006
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 22, 2007 11:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Aroka wrote:
This one kind of confused me, especially the fact that Horse kept switching from Cat too Bull too Horse even though you didn't mean it. Like the one part when he's in the Monastary you say "...but instead of falling behind as my hooves pounded at the spongy ground, they just shuffled faster..." but then write a paragraph down "I bounded up it, my cat paws sure against the jagged mortar." Giving the implication that Horse for some reason had switched too Bull from the last chapter then back too Cat. Another phrase does the same thing, where's his equine longs hurt or something but he is in Bull form.


I think that really helped to embody the idea that Horse is shifting almost unconsciously at this point, and it's just second nature, as opposed to the earlier time when shifting caused him no small amount of fatigue. It was a bit subtle, but it was a nice touch.
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Aroka



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PostPosted: Tue Oct 23, 2007 5:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Exodus wrote:
Aroka wrote:
This one kind of confused me, especially the fact that Horse kept switching from Cat too Bull too Horse even though you didn't mean it. Like the one part when he's in the Monastary you say "...but instead of falling behind as my hooves pounded at the spongy ground, they just shuffled faster..." but then write a paragraph down "I bounded up it, my cat paws sure against the jagged mortar." Giving the implication that Horse for some reason had switched too Bull from the last chapter then back too Cat. Another phrase does the same thing, where's his equine longs hurt or something but he is in Bull form.


I think that really helped to embody the idea that Horse is shifting almost unconsciously at this point, and it's just second nature, as opposed to the earlier time when shifting caused him no small amount of fatigue. It was a bit subtle, but it was a nice touch.
No, it really doesn't make much sense that he would all of a sudden turn Bull in a Monastary full of Undead when he was already in stealthy Cat.
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Heloly



Joined: 31 Jul 2005
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 23, 2007 6:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Rawr! Semantics says I! Everyone should just be rejoicing that there is a story-post. The wait is often far too long.
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goofydude



Joined: 01 Mar 2006
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 23, 2007 9:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Heloly wrote:
Rawr! Semantics says I! Everyone should just be rejoicing that there is a story-post. The wait is often far too long.


Oh I am, and I am also already beginning the ravenous demands for the next post!

rabble rabble rabble!
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Aroka



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PostPosted: Tue Oct 23, 2007 2:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked the whole little Law meeting they had. I hope we see more members later on though.
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Alec



Joined: 27 Oct 2005
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 23, 2007 8:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked it, and I didn't catch any place where he had hoofs as a cat, but I did catch him having a horse heart at a bull. "The pounding of my equine heart slowed" right after he finished running from the scourge guys the first time.
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Albatros
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Joined: 15 Jul 2005
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 23, 2007 8:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

For the record, I do need to go back and do a quick QC pass on this post - I wrote it all out of order, and apparently a few mis-transitions slipped past me. I am intending to imply transitions rather than showing them now that he's getting better at it, but that's obviously slipped me up once or twice. Smile

(vague, distant) was intentional - a little experimenting with voice. It was a shock! - which, strangely, was vague and distant...

There will be several more agents of the Law introduced before the trilogy's over - somewhere Saranus has a very good thread about who's showed up, who's been referenced and who hasn't yet.
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michellethemit



Joined: 10 Jan 2006
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 23, 2007 10:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Will read it when you've got the whole chapter up.
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Albatros
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 23, 2007 10:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good move. I posted the half-chapter so impatient folks could have something to read - I'm glad people that enjoy a full chapter at a time are holding off! Smile
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goofydude



Joined: 01 Mar 2006
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 24, 2007 6:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I was gonna wait then I saw it how long it was and it looked like it was pretty much a chapter long to me, so I read it.
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