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Crimson

 
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drakedragon92



Joined: 06 Aug 2006
Posts: 699
Location: Right behind you.

PostPosted: Mon Oct 15, 2007 8:41 pm    Post subject: Crimson Reply with quote

This is somethin ive been toyin with, what do u guys think?


PROLOUGE


Crimson. The name fit. No, it wasn’t because of his blood read hair. It was his business. His whole line of work focused on blood. No, he wasn’t a mortician. He was an assassin, and he was the best there is. His whole life had been focused on blood. It was the first thing he saw upon leaving the womb, his mother having died giving birth to him. Blood. It was what would cover his father a few days later, when he committed suicide leaving his less than a week old son in an orphanarium. Crimson, at less than a week old, his hair already blood red, matching that which he saw all too often. Ironically, the only blood he never saw was his own, learning at an early age to fight, to kill, to draw blood.

Blood. The life force that keeps us all alive, the force that travels throughout our bodies, keeping us alive. Blood. Driven by the heart, the body’s life source, It flows out of the aorta and to the various parts of the body. Destroy the heart, and their life stops, even as their life force stops flowing in their veins. If you cant damage the heart, sever a major artery. The carotids, which bring blood to the brain, are best. The femoral and iliac arteries work as well, as does the brachial artery. Sever any of these, and the blood will flow.

Crimson was always an outcast at the orphanarium, a loner. It wasn’t that he was made fun of, that only happened once, never again. He could never understand the other kids. Then again, he never saw the haunted look in his eyes, the hint of blood beneath the bright blue surface. Crimson was always skinny, and was usually considered to be weak to any who glanced at him. He preferred the term wiry. His early days in the orphanarium are a haze, overcast with blood, and images of his dead parents.
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Alec



Joined: 27 Oct 2005
Posts: 1342

PostPosted: Tue Oct 16, 2007 12:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not bad, I just have to ask, isn't it "orphanage"? Orphanarium sounds like some sort of museum.
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Farsider



Joined: 10 Aug 2005
Posts: 913

PostPosted: Tue Oct 16, 2007 3:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

'tis a reference to Futurama, methinks. As in, "Little Bender's Orphanarium".

Crimson sounds like quite the disturbed little boy.
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Amaunator



Joined: 03 Dec 2005
Posts: 2074
Location: Belgium ... innocuous but intrepid!

PostPosted: Tue Oct 16, 2007 5:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, apart from a few typos (read instead of red ^^; and cant instead of can't), it wasn't too bad.

Sadly, though, it involves, as with many stories nowadays, a fascination for a dark profession: assassination.

Really, if you're looking for an age of assassination, look no further than your own. Rome had spies and mercenaries, but few Kaisers and duchesses etc. knew of the art of insidious warfare. It was unchivalrous.

The technical details were blood-curdlingly spot on though ^^.
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Alec



Joined: 27 Oct 2005
Posts: 1342

PostPosted: Tue Oct 16, 2007 8:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Farsider wrote:
'tis a reference to Futurama, methinks. As in, "Little Bender's Orphanarium".

Crimson sounds like quite the disturbed little boy.
I knew it sounded familiar...
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drakedragon92



Joined: 06 Aug 2006
Posts: 699
Location: Right behind you.

PostPosted: Sun Oct 26, 2008 10:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

revised this, made it into an actual story insted of some half-formed idea, gonna try n get it typed up sometime...
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Moorea



Joined: 23 Mar 2007
Posts: 383
Location: Hong Kong

PostPosted: Mon Oct 27, 2008 2:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice beginning~) Amaunator gave good advice though, the topic of assassins has been covered and covered and covered. Still, if it's good reading, who cares, right? I'm on my 3rd novel this year about "lost Shakespeare plays" but I still grab them off the shelf everytime I see a new one simply b/c I enjoy the topic.

Anyhoots, watch your tenses and I'm curious to read more:)
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