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The Flowerpicker Clan

 
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destron



Joined: 25 Aug 2007
Posts: 262

PostPosted: Tue Sep 18, 2007 1:24 pm    Post subject: The Flowerpicker Clan Reply with quote

I'm sick, so I'm not at work today. I figured I'd post this humor piece I did a while ago. The basis for this story is here: http://www.wowwiki.com/Flowerpicker_Clan

Enjoy!

A History of the Flowerpicker Clan

Origins:
The human kingdoms appeared to be on the cusp of grand things after the Second War. For the first time in centuries, it looked as if there would be an extended period of peace. The orcs were imprisoned, the trolls beaten, and the goblins were apologetic. The tensions between the various human nations had also faded. While the camaraderie of the Alliance no longer existed, no kingdom was interested in fighting another. Whatever their complaints about the internment camps, Stromgarde and Gilneas had too much good feeling to wage war against Lordaeron over the matter.
This was also a time of increasing literacy. Literacy had been steadily growing prior to the First War, but after the Second it became even more common. The mages of Dalaran had greatly increased their arcane finesse during the war, and while the magical servants that populated Quel’thalas would never exist in human lands, there were enough enchantments to make life a good deal easier.
In the northern town of Hearthglen, a minor priestess named Pellestra Drinnaeus made her living instructing the children of the community. At this point, there was almost nothing in the way of written stories designed for the young. Children would usually be given histories or pedantic fables. Dissatisfied with this, Pellestra wrote an anthology called The Flowerpicker Clan.
The Flowerpicker Clan is about a group of peaceful, friendly, and dim-witted orcs that had stumbled through the Dark Portal more or less by accident. While most orcs lived only for war, this botanically-inclined clan preferred to pick flowers in the meadow. The stories mostly involve the Flowerpickers inadvertently stymieing the plans of the Horde, and occasionally even convincing other orcish warriors to join them. The last story explains that the Flowerpicker Clan found a green, flower-filled valley far away from the rest of the world, and lived there in peace after the war.
The focus of The Flowerpicker Clan was light-hearted humor and whimsy. The stories themselves were nothing terribly remarkable in terms of plot. What made Pellestra’s effort stand out was the fact that no one else had tried anything like it, and because it was surprisingly well-written. Over the next few years it became a popular item in schoolrooms around the northern kingdoms.

Controversy and Expansion:
Not everyone embraced The Flowerpicker Clan. Some were outraged, claiming that it trivialized the very real atrocities committed by the Horde. The nation of Stromgarde even went so far as to prohibit the book. The township of Southshore also banned it. For the most part, people seemed to consider it as being no more than a children’s story. The Flowerpicker Clan orcs were presented as being quite different from their brethren. When other clans appeared in the story, they were portrayed as being mean-hearted, and even a bit menacing.
Pellestra wrote a sequel called The Orcs of the Daisy that was also well-received. Meanwhile, her first work had reached the kingdom of Stormwind, which was still in the process of rebuilding after the invasion. The original book never made much of an impression on Stormwind, either negative or positive. The flighty tone of the stories did not make it particularly endearing to the southern humans, though few were offended despite the devastation that the orcs had inflicted upon Stormwind.
The Flowerpicker orcs did not achieve national fame until Collard Veldan read their book. Collard had been a veteran of both wars, and found the book amusing, though perhaps not in the way Pellestra intended. Inspired, Collard wrote his own book, titled The King’s Blades Among the Flowerpickers, which was about a unit of human soldiers (the King’s Blades) captured at the end of the First War. The King’s Blades end up in the custody of the Flowerpicker Clan, who are presented as buffoons who pick flowers as a way of earning kills. Warriors wear the flowers as trophies of previous victories.
The story is played for laughs, as the King’s Blades pull pranks on their dimwitted captors. The story finally culminates in the King’s Blades escaping from the camp and going up to join the Alliance in Lordaeron, destroying a Bleeding Hollow Clan forward base on the way. Collard’s story also proved to be popular, and it was not aimed at any specific age group. The accusation arose that Collard was trivializing the orcs, but as Collard (a veteran of the Battle of Blackrock Mountain, among many other clashes) himself said, anyone stupid enough to confuse real orcs with the Flowerpicker Clan was too dumb to be helped.

Darker Developments:
Pellestra never found out about The King’s Blades Among the Flowerpickers. She wrote more books, unrelated to the Flowerpicker Clan, but none of them ever became very popular. Some people attempted to use The Flowerpicker Clan to instruct real orcs on how to act. This was not successful. Fifteen years after the Second War, another iteration of the Flowerpicker Clan’s exploits appeared. Surprisingly, it was written in Stromgarde.
The writer was a dissipated young student named Albrucht Dunkelmarr. Albrucht had made it a mission to read every banned book he could find, and getting The Flowerpicker Clan was a simple matter for him. The cheerful story did not sit well with his cynical mindset, so he wrote his own version of the story. He said that: “If this is going to be censored, let’s at least give them a good reason to do so.”
The Flowerpicker orcs of Clever Grom, of the Flowerpicker Clan, were still foolish and simple. Yet in Albrucht’s tale, the Flowerpicker Clan’s extremely literal interpretations of the Horde’s orders inspire it to make clumsy mistakes that usually result in horrible bloodshed, described with relish by Albrucht. Later in the story, an opportunistic Stromgarder general attempts to trick the Flowerpicker Clan into fighting the other orcs. The general is one Veranz Trollenstreiter, a thinly veiled satire of Steward Thoras Trollbane.
Veranz’s scheme works, and the unleashed Flowerpicker Clan kill hundreds of orcs. But due to their frequent misinterpretations, the Flowerpickers also massacre a column of Lordaeronian refugees. At the end, more humans lie dead than orcs. Veranz uses selective reporting to make himself look like a hero (here, Albrucht satirizes Stromgarder distrust of Lordaeron) and at the end, exterminates the Flowerpicker Clan.
Albrucht’s entry was most certainly not for children, and some of the passages are quite risqué. It made the rounds of university circles, until the authorities discovered it. Albrucht stayed one step ahead, and had already fled to Dalaran at that point.

The Third War and After:
The Battle of Mt. Hyjal seemed to promise a new era of peace between Alliance and Horde, but two events undid this. The first, and most prominent, was Admiral Proudmoore’s ill-advised invasion of the new orcish homeland. The second was the invitation of the Forsaken undead into the Horde. It is not surprising that The Flowerpicker Clan quickly fell out of favor among Alliance readers, who did not wish to read about happy-go-lucky orcs. On the other hand, The King’s Blades Among the Flowerpickers underwent a resurgence of popularity.
The strange tale of the Flowerpicker Clan does not end here, for it migrated to Kalimdor. A Forsaken woman named Hezra Dulbon arrived in Orgrimmar, bringing with her a copy of Pellestra’s famed work. Hezra was of a dubious psychological state, and relied upon artifacts from her life to keep her in some semblance of sanity: The Flowerpicker Clan numbered among these.
Hezra eventually discovered that the small Apothecarium presence in Ashenvale had begun calling itself the Flowerpicker Clan, in reference to their botanical harvesting. At first, Hezra seemed to really believe that the Flowerpicker Clan of the stories lived in Ashenvale, so she undertook the journey to the contested forest. Upon finding out that her beloved, fictional clan consisted of malevolent Forsaken alchemists, she became enraged. She went to Splintertree Post, the local base for the Horde, and demanded that they force the local Apothecarium to change their name.
The Horde in Splintertree was baffled by Hezra’s request, and they had many more important things to do. Thus, Hezra was ignored. Hezra returned to Orgrimmar and made frantic attempts to salvage the name of the Flowerpicker Clan, though in truth she probably needn’t have worried. The Apothecarium in Ashenvale was small and obscure; it was surprising that Hezra had even learned about them in the first place.
Hezra made her own attempt to rewrite The Flowerpicker Clan for an orcish audience. Thrall had decreed that all orcs be literate, but this did not mean that many orcs read for pleasure. Even if they did, Hezra’s bizarre version would not have been a first choice. Entitled The Flowerpicker Clan in Kalimdor, it alternated between sentimental nostalgia (which is not something orcs find appealing) and scenes of nightmarish violence where the True Flowerpicker Clan thundered down on the seemingly endless swarms of the False Flowerpickers of Ashenvale. The plot frequently made bizarre digressions, and the story is not told in chronological order. Sections of the Pellestra’s The Flowerpicker Clan were placed haphazardly throughout the story, without any apparent logic. Hezra also included crude, expressionistic pictures on some of the pages. The few orcs who saw these pictures often complained of suffering nightmares.
The Flowerpicker Clan in Kalimdor did find an audience among a few other Forsaken, and goblins with a taste for the incomprehensible and macabre. It is unknown if any orc even bothered to read the thing. Incidentally, the literal Orcish translation of “flower picker” is herbalist, so many orcs probably thought it was a treatise on herbalism.

A New Audience:
It is said (with some accuracy) that everything that exists can be found in the goblin city of Undermine. The various iterations and imitations of the Flowerpicker Clan’s exploits are no exception. Eventually, a goblin publishing company called Green Quill Publications decided to put their own spin on the Flowerpicker Clan.
Imaginatively titled The New Adventures of the Flowerpicker Clan, the goblin version initially focused on outlandish slapstick and broad cultural humor. Serialized in “Loud Laffs” magazine, the early stories involved goblin tradesmen pulling cons on the hapless Flowerpicker Clan. As the series continued, the focus shifted to a more character-based humor around the individuals within the clan. Eventually, the goblin con artists became side-characters who usually helped the clan against various threats. The New Adventures of the Flowerpicker Clan was a moderate success, with a solid, three-year printing run.

Where Are They Now?
Pellestra Drinnaeus escaped the terror of the Scourge and now resides in Theramore. She is an active supporter of Lady Jaina Proudmoore’s attempts to create peace between the Alliance and Horde. She has not written any further stories about the Flowerpicker Clan, and says she does not intend to do so.

Collard Veldan was killed in battle while evacuating civilians from the town of Moonbrook during the Defias uprising.

Albrucht Dunkelmar abandoned his reckless ways, and is currently a priest in Northshire Abbey. He says he deeply regrets writing Clever Grom, of the Flowerpicker Clan. Ironically, it still has a substantial following.

Hezra Dulbon resides in Gadgetzan. She could not be reached for comment.

Green Quill Publications is currently planning a sequel series to The New Adventures of the Flowerpicker Clan. Advance word says that it will take place in Outland.
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Suvarestin



Joined: 31 Jul 2007
Posts: 122
Location: Still frozen in Blackrock Mountain.

PostPosted: Tue Sep 18, 2007 5:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Destron, once again you've suceeded in getting my attention. This piece was funny and entertaining.





...yes...






that's all.
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Suvarestin: Why won't anyone help me?
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Note: No new screenshots. I temporarily uninstalled WoW because of my lack of hard drive space.
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Amaunator



Joined: 03 Dec 2005
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Location: Belgium ... innocuous but intrepid!

PostPosted: Tue Sep 18, 2007 5:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It was fun, but I wasn't up in stitches, I'm sorry Wink.

I liked the progression though Smile.
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the sun may melt the rain
may rinse the sky may sink
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fluttering hearts you hate
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destron



Joined: 25 Aug 2007
Posts: 262

PostPosted: Tue Sep 18, 2007 6:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Amaunator wrote:
It was fun, but I wasn't up in stitches, I'm sorry Wink.

I liked the progression though Smile.


Heh, no worries. I think it's more of a "subtle smile" humor than a "LOL" humor.
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Amaunator



Joined: 03 Dec 2005
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 18, 2007 6:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Then it worked its magic Wink.
_________________
the sun may melt the rain
may rinse the sky may sink
the clouds may meet the dirt
may drop your heart may heal

feelings of love you love
fluttering hearts you hate
revealing souls you love
breaking spirits you hate that

the sun...
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