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An Illustrated Travelogue
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Amaunator



Joined: 03 Dec 2005
Posts: 2074
Location: Belgium ... innocuous but intrepid!

PostPosted: Fri Aug 06, 2010 1:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, the WASP thing did seem rather implied. It's just that I don't exactly see you as writing a story from the point of view of an African American (although you could try, but you might get slammed, because it's "not done", of course. I'm European, I could try it and be exempt from all the criticism Wink).

And by JCS I mean Jesus Christ Superstar, because at a particular point you used the line "Take me now before I change my mind!" which is the brilliant conclusory line of the song "Gethsemane". And in this context, you actually turned the meaning around on itself. It was a literary pun and quite well executed. I just hope you even realise you did it Laughing?

And as for Starcraft II... My brother bought the Collector's Edition at opening day (which features among other things a cool 2gig USB-stick with Starcraft + Brood War on it), and I'd say that the Collector's Edition is worth its weight in gold almost, but the game itself sort of let me down (my brother too, even, but he was a little more hyped than I was I guess Razz).

The graphics are great, the gameplay is good and the plot is wicked, but I played the entire Single Player in some fourteen hours. To fill the void I got myself Dragon Quest 9 and I'm pushing that baby for up to a hundred hours now... Now, if you like the multiplayer side of the game more, it'll be worth it no matter what, because micromanagement has gotten way better than even Warcraft III.

Oh, and I figured this story was coming from somewhere personal, but I didn't think it'd be appropriate to ask. And I will say that you might want to lay on the "hurt" side of the story a little more. It's there and it's prominent, but it's not half as biting as it is in real life, I guess. If you want to draw that aspect out, it's going to be a real struggle to find a balance between drama and melodrama though. I'm having a similar problem where I'm trying to write a scene of confusion that verges towards obscurity Very Happy. I can just say: good luck! Razz
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destron



Joined: 25 Aug 2007
Posts: 262

PostPosted: Fri Aug 06, 2010 1:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ah, I've never seen Jesus Christ Superstar so I had no idea. I'm wondering if that makes the scene seem unintentionally comical...

What exactly do you mean by laying on the hurt side? I'm a little unclear.

Speaking of references, I made a list of the various allusions and inspirations in the travelogue. I've put in so many that I'm sure I forgot to list a few. Admittedly, this is a bit self-indulgent, but it was fun to lay it all out.

http://destron.blogspot.com/p/references-and-inspirations.html
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Amaunator



Joined: 03 Dec 2005
Posts: 2074
Location: Belgium ... innocuous but intrepid!

PostPosted: Fri Aug 06, 2010 4:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

destron wrote:
Ah, I've never seen Jesus Christ Superstar so I had no idea. I'm wondering if that makes the scene seem unintentionally comical...

What exactly do you mean by laying on the hurt side? I'm a little unclear.

Speaking of references, I made a list of the various allusions and inspirations in the travelogue. I've put in so many that I'm sure I forgot to list a few. Admittedly, this is a bit self-indulgent, but it was fun to lay it all out.

http://destron.blogspot.com/p/references-and-inspirations.html


Yes, it sadly does make that scene slightly comical even though the line in JCS is very severe, it still aroused in both me and a friend who also knows JCS a spasmodic episode of playing out the scene Rolling Eyes. But maybe that's just us...

"What exactly do you mean by laying on the hurt side?"
I was referring to how you wanted to pronounce the intensity of Jason's mental turmoil and how best to go about it.

Reading the references page now. There will definitely be a couple I missed out due to sheer ignorance Smile.
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the sun may melt the rain
may rinse the sky may sink
the clouds may meet the dirt
may drop your heart may heal

feelings of love you love
fluttering hearts you hate
revealing souls you love
breaking spirits you hate that

the sun...


Last edited by Amaunator on Fri Aug 06, 2010 9:37 pm; edited 1 time in total
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destron



Joined: 25 Aug 2007
Posts: 262

PostPosted: Fri Aug 06, 2010 6:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I changed the offending line to this:

"Damn me now, before I lose my nerve!" he whispered.

Sound good?

Honestly, I thought I emphasized the hurt pretty heavily. I'm not sure how much more I can do there without making the story a chore to read.
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Amaunator



Joined: 03 Dec 2005
Posts: 2074
Location: Belgium ... innocuous but intrepid!

PostPosted: Fri Aug 06, 2010 9:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think that'll do just fine. It's too bad though that the phrase was already taken, but then, I guess the Bible has first dibs either way Very Happy.

And that same friend thought that the story as a whole was very interesting and that the only "over the top" thing he found was Fatima's reaction. But personally I think you were spot on at that point. After all, trying to "save someone from fire and brimstone" is ironically not the cure for someone who's going through hell with worry over a brother Razz.
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the sun may melt the rain
may rinse the sky may sink
the clouds may meet the dirt
may drop your heart may heal

feelings of love you love
fluttering hearts you hate
revealing souls you love
breaking spirits you hate that

the sun...
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destron



Joined: 25 Aug 2007
Posts: 262

PostPosted: Sat Aug 07, 2010 1:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I was originally just going to have Jason try to convert Fatima more or less out of the blue, but I figured it'd have more impact if he did it at the worst possible time. It's also worth noting that apostasy is a MUCH bigger deal in Islam than it is in many other religions. Granted that's not why she was upset, but it might have been an extra source of (minor) irritation.
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destron



Joined: 25 Aug 2007
Posts: 262

PostPosted: Sat Aug 14, 2010 2:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Here's the second half of Sholazar Basin:

http://destron.blogspot.com/2010/08/sholazar-basin-part-2.html
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Amaunator



Joined: 03 Dec 2005
Posts: 2074
Location: Belgium ... innocuous but intrepid!

PostPosted: Sat Aug 14, 2010 9:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

But then I heard the spirit my father
"of my father"

Oracles shamans are quite limited in their abilities.
"Oracle shamans"

fought to escape as more gorlocs jumped into bring down the wounded
"in to"

And I like the ending. Succint yes, but well, who expects anything borne from the Titans to give straight answers ey? Very Happy
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the sun may melt the rain
may rinse the sky may sink
the clouds may meet the dirt
may drop your heart may heal

feelings of love you love
fluttering hearts you hate
revealing souls you love
breaking spirits you hate that

the sun...
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destron



Joined: 25 Aug 2007
Posts: 262

PostPosted: Mon Aug 23, 2010 9:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Here's Wintergrasp:

http://destron.blogspot.com/2010/08/wintergrasp.html
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Amaunator



Joined: 03 Dec 2005
Posts: 2074
Location: Belgium ... innocuous but intrepid!

PostPosted: Tue Sep 07, 2010 2:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm terribly sorry I've been so late to get to this - mind you, it was in my mind - but I have the tumultuous days behind me now Very Happy.

So Wintergrasp!

A large lake of normal water does stretch out across southern Wintergrasp, supposed forced into a state of purity through the efforts of taunka shamans.
"supposedly"

remarked an white-haired goblin named Zel.
"a"

Other than that, most of my work has been done for me Very Happy.

An interesting chapter, not exactly because it highlights the lore of Warcraft, but rather it reflects the dynamics in the actual game World of Warcraft Smile. You naturally scaled the numbers down or up from a "5-man party" level to entire guilds and 40-man raids. It's funny how you manage not to let Destron fight in a PvP zone though Very Happy.
_________________
the sun may melt the rain
may rinse the sky may sink
the clouds may meet the dirt
may drop your heart may heal

feelings of love you love
fluttering hearts you hate
revealing souls you love
breaking spirits you hate that

the sun...
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destron



Joined: 25 Aug 2007
Posts: 262

PostPosted: Sat Sep 11, 2010 3:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks, I went ahead and made the corrections. Also, here's the next chapter:

http://destron.blogspot.com/2010/09/dragonblight-part-1.html
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Amaunator



Joined: 03 Dec 2005
Posts: 2074
Location: Belgium ... innocuous but intrepid!

PostPosted: Tue Sep 14, 2010 4:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow, that was a punchy line: "Malygos is dead."

I didn't yet see that one coming Surprised. You're sure unravelling the news a little casually, but I guess we had been forewarned that the efforts to do so were all lined up.

They reveal almost nothing to the outside world, and blur or obfuscate the few facts escape their grasp.
"few facts that escape"

“I will not guess the Spell-weaver’s motives.”
"not guess at"

and even friendships forged between the dragon and mortal throughout history.
"between dragon and mortal"

Hah, brilliant! I love the idea of the Bronze Flight being a kind of benign CIA and interpol in one Very Happy. Even better yet that they know of Destron Very Happy.

They’re different strands in the trunk, but they all go progress in the same direction
Double main verb in the second part.

We both knew we his death was imminent, so we made the most of it.
One "we" too much.

“You can’t tell me you wouldn’t go to the Swamp of Sorrows if it meant your own land.”
Something not quite right with this sentence.

That's all I found so far Smile.

I'm not really sure if I should keep putting these responses here anymore, really (as opposed to putting them on your own forum)... Maybe we should let Albatros Bits die a quiet death?
_________________
the sun may melt the rain
may rinse the sky may sink
the clouds may meet the dirt
may drop your heart may heal

feelings of love you love
fluttering hearts you hate
revealing souls you love
breaking spirits you hate that

the sun...
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