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God's Blue Rose
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Giovanni



Joined: 07 Jul 2007
Posts: 278
Location: a quaint little place called my mind.

PostPosted: Mon Aug 06, 2007 6:38 pm    Post subject: God's Blue Rose Reply with quote

this is a myth I wrote...ya it's short but w/e
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Long ago there was a beautiful, blue rose that God gave to Lucifer to protect, it needed protection because it granted immortality and could raise the dead, God trusted Lucifer to keep it from those in heaven who would seek to use it or keep it from the living, who are who God intended to give it to in time. When Lucifer fell he still had the rose, as his last work as a falling angel he cast the rose to the ground, where it landed a desert was made of what once was a lush oasis, a mountain was erected beneath it of black razor sharp rocks that were without a single rounded surface, beneath the mountain on the desert floor satan's spires (sand tornadoes) constantly spun. If some hero could in fact make it through the desert that was dry and up the mountain that was ridged he would find himself at the mouth of a cave where thorns on vines covered all surfaces and to touch them meant death.
It was clear that the rose could not be gotten even by an angel, Lucifer had made sure of that, and if an angel can't do something a human is without hope, it was the devil's way of spiting God, keeping his rose forever out of reach. Every day the rose hoped it would be found, and every night it's petals would fall, blue as the tears it wished it could shed.
And still the rose sits, hidden behind thorns high on it's mountain deep in the unforgiving desert.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
first thing I've written what do you think?im only 13 sooo ya dont be toooo harsh >.>
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Last edited by Giovanni on Wed Aug 08, 2007 7:07 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Amaunator



Joined: 03 Dec 2005
Posts: 2074
Location: Belgium ... innocuous but intrepid!

PostPosted: Mon Aug 06, 2007 6:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmm Smile.

Apart from the fact that you started and ended with kiddy forum speech Laughing, I quite liked the myth... Though you do know that no myth is complete without a hero rushing to the scene and overcoming insurmountable odds Wink?

Also, you need to space your thoughts more. A period here and there would do wonders for the reader's sanity Wink.
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Moorea



Joined: 23 Mar 2007
Posts: 383
Location: Hong Kong

PostPosted: Mon Aug 06, 2007 8:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I thought it was pretty cool Giovanni Cool

Are you going to continue it with a short story of some kind? That would be interesting. What is the rose supposed to do? To whom was God saving the rose for? etc. I think you could make a fine story out of it Wink
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Giovanni



Joined: 07 Jul 2007
Posts: 278
Location: a quaint little place called my mind.

PostPosted: Wed Aug 08, 2007 7:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

thanks, first time posting anything I've written; I'm shyer when it comes to my writing than my art work.
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Albatros
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Joined: 15 Jul 2005
Posts: 2111

PostPosted: Thu Aug 09, 2007 2:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That is a very cool myth! I think Amaunator's right in that your punctuation feels a little run-on - if you get the urge, try reading it out loud to yourself to get an idea of where sentence breaks should fall. I disagree about the kiddy-speak - I thought your word-choices were apropriate to the genre. The aside about sand-tornados feels like a note you left yourself and forgot to remove - the idea that his spires are sand tornados could be worked in better. I disagree about the story needing a hero - while certainly it's a killer setup for a hero journey, it's also a heck of a tragic myth, and I like it!

Lucifer's name means "Morningstar", on the off-chance that that speaks to you in some way that's useful to the story.

That's a hell of a debut, buddy - I hope you keep writing.
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Giovanni



Joined: 07 Jul 2007
Posts: 278
Location: a quaint little place called my mind.

PostPosted: Thu Aug 09, 2007 3:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

O.O
I
am
so
PUMPED RIGHT NOW!
I'm shocked you guys even liked it Shocked
I thought I was gunna get burned, ty so much!

and about the sand-tornados, ya I just noticed that, but I dont think I'll edit it, only copy of original I have.
I'm going to revise it, would you mind looking it over once I'm done?

I feel like a kid who's teacher just said they did a good job Very Happy

P.S I didn't know that about Lucifer's name, that's really cool, I think it ould work it's way in in some way...
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Amaunator



Joined: 03 Dec 2005
Posts: 2074
Location: Belgium ... innocuous but intrepid!

PostPosted: Thu Aug 09, 2007 4:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Albatros wrote:
That is a very cool myth! I think Amaunator's right in that your punctuation feels a little run-on - if you get the urge, try reading it out loud to yourself to get an idea of where sentence breaks should fall. I disagree about the kiddy-speak - I thought your word-choices were apropriate to the genre. The aside about sand-tornados feels like a note you left yourself and forgot to remove - the idea that his spires are sand tornados could be worked in better. I disagree about the story needing a hero - while certainly it's a killer setup for a hero journey, it's also a heck of a tragic myth, and I like it!

Lucifer's name means "Morningstar", on the off-chance that that speaks to you in some way that's useful to the story.

That's a hell of a debut, buddy - I hope you keep writing.


The kiddy-speak was limited to outside the myth Wink. I just thought it odd that he had this great vocabularly in the story and that he didn't use it to introduce his myth to us ^^.

And you know that I just added the 'hero' twist because myths are fun like that ^^.
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Albatros
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 09, 2007 4:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ahh. Am I gotchya now Smile

G, you should edit your original post with the rewritten version and then post here letting us know.
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Giovanni



Joined: 07 Jul 2007
Posts: 278
Location: a quaint little place called my mind.

PostPosted: Thu Aug 09, 2007 6:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

ok sure thing =)
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Giovanni



Joined: 07 Jul 2007
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Location: a quaint little place called my mind.

PostPosted: Fri Aug 10, 2007 10:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
The kiddy-speak was limited to outside the myth Wink. I just thought it odd that he had this great vocabularly in the story and that he didn't use it to introduce his myth to us ^^.


ok you can't expect me to always talk like that, I grew up being brainy and never liked how most ppl reacted to a 10 yr old who could uphold a substantial conversation with someone 3 times their age, so I ended up trying not to use "big words" or sound very smart when I'm talking to ppl who don't know me, writing of course is different story =P
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Amaunator



Joined: 03 Dec 2005
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Location: Belgium ... innocuous but intrepid!

PostPosted: Fri Aug 10, 2007 3:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I say bull to that... I've ever been the 'walking dictionary' in both primary and secondary and I haven't regretted a second of it. It's not something people can fault you for. If you act like a jerk and insult with words they don't understand, then you've got to tone it down ^^.

Besides, eventually the bar levels. People catch up, because there's a limit to how difficult your vocabulary can become; it stops when everyone's diverging into other branches of employment and starts to accustom to new lingo...

And speaking like Oscar Wilde has gone out of style a good while ago ^^.
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the sun may melt the rain
may rinse the sky may sink
the clouds may meet the dirt
may drop your heart may heal

feelings of love you love
fluttering hearts you hate
revealing souls you love
breaking spirits you hate that

the sun...
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Giovanni



Joined: 07 Jul 2007
Posts: 278
Location: a quaint little place called my mind.

PostPosted: Fri Aug 10, 2007 4:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

like I said before, 13 here and I go to public school... I'm in "advanced classes" but sadly most kids with me aren't sposed' to be there but are because the other teams are full...
as to "walking dictionary" tis' my nickname sir.
and I do not enjoy it, I am expected to know everything and I don't enjoy constantly being relied on by student and teacher alike. Mad
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Amaunator



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PostPosted: Fri Aug 10, 2007 5:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh well, you have to fulfill the promise, of course...
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Giovanni



Joined: 07 Jul 2007
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Location: a quaint little place called my mind.

PostPosted: Fri Aug 10, 2007 5:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I do, with interest Twisted Evil
it's my sole enjoyment of this whole affair, insulting their intelligence is.
The wonderful thing is they don't realize I've said something offensive xD
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Laird Orcid



Joined: 14 Jul 2007
Posts: 3

PostPosted: Fri Aug 10, 2007 9:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked it ... in Pan's Labyrinth.

I'm pretty sure you just plagiarized.

Quote:
There was rose who made whoever plucked it immortal. A blue rose. It's thorny stem clutches the dagger-like crest of a black granite mountain. The thorns grow around the granite like suffocating serpents. But no one would dare go near it because it's thorns were full of mortal poison. So amongst the men tales of pain and death were told in hushed voices because they feared death more than they want immortality. So everyday the rose wilted unable to bequeath its gift to anyone. Alone and forgotten.


Nice try, Giovanni.
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