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ENERVATION-A Tale of Shadows & Silence
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Samej



Joined: 04 Jul 2007
Posts: 153
Location: Star Dragon Tower

PostPosted: Mon Jul 16, 2007 10:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
I think you're relinquishing this information too soon. This is a tantamount dilemma for your main character, and having all the mysteries spread out on the table already is dangerous, because it might leave you with less things to work with later on.


This is actually common knowledge in the story's setting, at least to the Magus' who must know it. Don't worry, theres many more mysteries. Smile

Quote:
How long will you make this story? You're moving at a considerable pace (which is good) so you need to make sure you can keep going at that pace throughout the story.


I have no idea, it all counts on where it takes me. Wink

Quote:
Amount of errors: 18
More errors than previously, but considering this part is larger than the previous, you are actually, relatively speaking, making progress ^^.


Disregard the lower half (the story of creation) as I wrote that 4 months ago and didn't go through it for errors before posting. Sad

Quote:
I would dissuade you from using this kind of film-aspiring rhetoric in your story. You could have managed by not going over the edge had you not used the ellipsis, but you did. No matter how ominous things are: do not use cheesy or tried and failed sentence constructions.


I like cheese, but then again, I want Enervation to read like a movie in the readers mind. That is how it plays in mine. Smile

Quote:
I admire the creation of life from light to dark and not otherwise as is most popular Smile.


Tanks, I got really tired of the "and then there was light" approach as well.

Quote:
Of the desire that Sin was created from, was the desire of change.
--> Though I love reading epic sentences, this one is way over the top. I'm sad to advise you to tone it down ^^.


Why down? Why not tone it above epic to Legendary? It is a Legend of Creation. There is no epic that is not too epic in my book.

Quote:
I'm afraid I lost the meaning of some words along the line. Shaza? Shorn? Again, a very quick pace, but not you're just thundering along ^^.


Ill put a Glossary topic up to clear up any questions.

Quote:
The massacre of Crescent Vale saw the passing of millions of souls as the assembled Kharxenian Armies did battle with the assembled Nyxian Legions. The Nyxians lost the island after 7 weeks of battle, giving the Kharxena a clear path to the capital of Nyxia.
--> It's the massacre of Crescent Vale, yet they lose an island Confused. I'm thoroughly confused now.


That was a typo, ill fix that. It is supposed to be Crescent Isle.

Thanks for the references, ill have the 4th installment up tomorrow.
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Samej Arkanus-Poet, Scholar, Archmage
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Amaunator



Joined: 03 Dec 2005
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 17, 2007 7:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good to know ^^. I'll be frowning everytime I read Legendary phrases then ^^. You seem to know what you're doing Very Happy.

Thank for the glossary by the way!
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Samej



Joined: 04 Jul 2007
Posts: 153
Location: Star Dragon Tower

PostPosted: Tue Jul 17, 2007 9:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Enervation- Pt. 4

~

I still taste the dust from that particular tome to this day. Slowly walking out under the evening sun, I survey the ruins about me once more. I do not recognize any of them. It is as if they walk as I do, every night. My heart skips a beat as I spy the large brass and iron citadel directly in front of me. Fully two hundred feet tall, not a hint of rust or decay shows on its surface.
I see it in a double vision, as both its past and present state. In years long gone, it was a beauty to behold, a melding of stone, iron, brass and other metals. Now, it still stands there, daring me to touch it, to feel the coldness of its surface. It is that subtle compulsion of reprieve from the heat that I must fight.
When the empire of Ziniria fell, many a great wizard created traps of spells, webs of arcane weavings, to protect what they had created from natural and material hands. To touch it would be death, or a worse fate.
Yet, what fate could be worse than mine? I am cursed to stay upon this world, barred from the gates of heaven and hell both. Neither light or shadow govern my fate. I exist, and I simultaneously do not exist. I am a contradiction to all that moves. I am cursed to be immortal and watch, watch the folly of all human work as it leads to ruin. Just as my works led to ruin.
How, you ask? I will not tell. To tell others of my doings would be to invite disaster yet again. No, I will not tell or show. Being that I remember it is enough. I remember it all even now, just like tomorrows yesterday…

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I gaze up again at the spire that consumes my vision. A painting it seems to be, a picture of all earthy substances joined in common force. I am oblivious to the hustle and bustle of people around me. They are just another breeze swarming about. This spire has stood here for as long as I could remember, and I have gazed upon it every day of my life. Today would be the last time.
It had always stood as a structure showing the completeness of the empire, the melding of all peoples in the stone of Zin.
Stability is not a given even in the great empire of Zin. Of course, there are those fools who see us as only a commandeering golem of tyranny, bent on complete slavery of mind and body. Paints such a pretty picture doesn’t it?
Even the Emperors’ Vizier, his most trusted advisor, was not immune to the call of battle. I was the most learned of my profession and thus I was being sent off on a “Journey of Discovery”. My target was the tropics of Jazim, a small island far to the south. This was the last day I would be able to glimpse the spire, the last day in her presence.
I could only seek her love through sight, glimpsing her from the outer halls shadows’. My heart burned towards her beauty and her laugh, a rare thing on most days.
No more, now the only beauty I could capture would be the perverse one of carnage. I take no joy in killing people with my spells. To me, I am erasing a lifetime of toil, of now wasted experiences and abilities. Much better to just have them redeem themselves in service to the empire as a whole.
On the night of my departure, I looked back upon my life, observing my achievements and failures both. I remembered my early life, the son of a simple hedge wizard and a woman of knowledge incarnate. She taught me histories, localities and arcanistry, always saving the best for last. She cooked all things with a dash of the mysterious, often never revealing the ingredients even under playful interrogation.
A brief smile broke my face as I remembered the day I was entered into the Wizards College, following in the footsteps of the greatest changers of reality themselves. That smile faded to a frown as I remembered the sense of loneliness I felt upon exiting that school, an educated Transmuter, son of plague-killed parents.
Their deaths hardening my resolve and their memories bolstering my will, I ascended the ladder of government, manipulating the people to see me in a good light. My education helped me the most as I was seen as the quickest mind in court, disseminating all evidence and factors quickly and seeing the ways of people through their eyes. I began to think like the anarchist to better combat the rebellious fools who opposed the empire of Zin. Humanity needed to stick together as a single body, moving as one in areas of economy and military.
My consciousness was brought back down from the heights it had been drifting in by the harsh call of the harbormaster, a rotund man of middle age.
“Get on the ship! We don’t have all day to wait for yer bleeding hide!” he roared down the pier.
I quickly hurried on, only then noting that the rest of the crew had already boarded the ship and were even now chuckling at my absentmindedness. Yes, I could hear them,
The galleon I would be spending the journey on was known as Cruor Mort, as charming a name as any.
I ascended the gangplank swiftly and looked out at the horizon I would be seeing for the next few months. The sun was low, a flaming ball already half doused in water.
I felt out of place on the deck, not knowing what I should be doing, until a fellow seeming near to my twenty-five years introduced himself to me. With a firm shake of his hand that left me with a spoiled feeling, he announced himself as Alaric, Captain of the ship. He parted his greasy black hair with a scarred hand as he rasped out some advice.
“Don’t get in the way of my crew for one, they know how to work the Mort. Your quarters are adjacent to mine on the starboard side of the ship. Night watch goes in increments of four hours and the men assigned to it are posted on the mast” he gestured then to the tree thick mast rising from the center of the long ship. One of a triplet it was, as two shorter but no less thick masts thrust up in front and behind it.
Mess, he told me was at six every morning, again at noon, and supper at eight. They kept a rigid schedule, but I would grow used to it.
As for the hazards of sea, his men were trained in the art of war, and most pirates feared ships that held a war-wizard, he told me as he patted his scimitar calmly.
Then again, one never knew what could be encountered far from the empires borders, so it would be best to be always ready.
I sighed lightly at the fast fading beauty of the sunset, before being nearly trampled by a dark skinned man with a penchant for curses.
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Samej Arkanus-Poet, Scholar, Archmage
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Amaunator



Joined: 03 Dec 2005
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Location: Belgium ... innocuous but intrepid!

PostPosted: Fri Jul 20, 2007 3:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The fourth!

Amount of errors: 12

Nothing that stands out negatively otherwise Smile.

The possessive form and its construction is still something that seems to bother you. Here's another source for you to check up on: It's Wikipedia and it's big, but it might just help.
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Samej



Joined: 04 Jul 2007
Posts: 153
Location: Star Dragon Tower

PostPosted: Mon Jul 23, 2007 4:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok, Ive got a few story problems I'm trying to change. My long term plans put this story at at least 15 chapters. Yet at the rate I'm going, I personally don't like speeding the story along without more detail on the city and the purposes that Mithra has just sailed away from. Id like to introduce some more characters and elaborate a whole lot more. I am also seriously considering removing Mithra's mad version of himself as a narrator in the future as this will hamper some things I wanted to add later on.

So, I am considering removing the current narration of the future self, and essentially reworking and rewriting almost the entire story. Mostly Ill just be adding stuff to give everyone some more info.

Amaunator's confusion over some things in the story told me that I have been working too quickly, I must elaborate on more things to make them more lucid and easy to understand.

I wont be adding any more installments to this for a week or so, instead I will be adding and rewriting previous chapters. I want you all to understand why someone does something instead of wondering about it. I want to add more life to the story, more ancientness to it, introduce some more characters clear up a lot of things.

Alright, Ill get to work.
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Samej Arkanus-Poet, Scholar, Archmage
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Amaunator



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PostPosted: Mon Jul 23, 2007 7:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Fine by us Smile. We'll be watching... ^^
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Albatros
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 24, 2007 12:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

when ya gotta rewrite, ya gotta rewrite...
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Aidinthel



Joined: 13 Mar 2006
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 25, 2007 10:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Listen to the Bird. It knows all.
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Samej



Joined: 04 Jul 2007
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Location: Star Dragon Tower

PostPosted: Wed Aug 01, 2007 12:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok, call me lazy but I really dont know how I'm going to change around the first parts, and I thought of a different way to tell the story through flashbacks while hes on the ship.

You wont be seeing his future self anymore as that guy is out of the picture and I just can't stop thinking about the rest of the story and I don't want to go back and change stuff so I am going to make a huge glossary thread on the city and the setting. Sorta like in Wheel of time.
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Samej



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PostPosted: Sat Aug 18, 2007 7:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Im not gonna have much time to work on this, as school is starting for me now. So, you could say its in Limbo. Maybe ill get back to it once im settled with school. Confused
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Aidinthel



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PostPosted: Sat Aug 18, 2007 7:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That's ok. As long as you DO get back to it, we understand.
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Albatros
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 04, 2007 5:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Samej,

I'm going to unsticky this for the time being - I'll resticky it as soon as your period of hecticness is over and you're updating again. Smile (Feel free to delete this message.)
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Samej



Joined: 04 Jul 2007
Posts: 153
Location: Star Dragon Tower

PostPosted: Wed Sep 05, 2007 11:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thats fine. I was actually wondering how to unsticky it since its taking up space sitting here and im working on something else... for my Creative writing class.

Ill try to work on this again in about a month to a few weeks as my english class is going to be reading Dantes' Inferno soon.
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Samej Arkanus-Poet, Scholar, Archmage
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Samej



Joined: 04 Jul 2007
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Location: Star Dragon Tower

PostPosted: Mon Sep 24, 2007 11:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok, i just wanna put something out here real quick, this WAS just an experiment, just a side story idea that I never really liked anyway. I had already been working on said "something else" when i started enervation. It is also considerably longer than this story. Ive really lost interest in the whole story of enervation and I really dont want to continue it in lieu of "something else".


You may flame me now.
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Samej Arkanus-Poet, Scholar, Archmage
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Amaunator



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PostPosted: Mon Sep 24, 2007 4:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Then drop it and show us the real deal! Very Happy

You owe us that much Wink.
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