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ENERVATION-A Tale of Shadows & Silence
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Samej



Joined: 04 Jul 2007
Posts: 153
Location: Star Dragon Tower

PostPosted: Sun Jul 08, 2007 6:12 pm    Post subject: ENERVATION-A Tale of Shadows & Silence Reply with quote

I only just started this this morning. Ive been experimenting with 1st person and was inspired to write this. It takes place in the same setting as my ongoing novel (ill post that later). Dont ask for more background, you are supposed to be confused.
Note: Just think of the setting as a Greek city on a wind swept islandith a strong hint of magic.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter I
Sleeping with the Dead

I awaken. This in itself is a surprise to me. But if a surprise, it is a fast fading one. It’s always the same thing, these days. Every night the aching to rest, to dream that waking nightmare again, surfaces. I try to fight it down, I truly do, but would it be that one moment of weakness, the one instant of distraction that it gets me. I fall, and time stops.
Long have I wondered how this is, why I am cursed, if it is a curse, to relive those last moments, the insurrection, the city in flames, the rivening of all, and then, silence.
I finally open my eyes to the stone of my temporary grave. A vaulted mausoleum I am in, ruined beyond repair, a rich fools final and ironic folly. I am the one lying in the stone coffin, not dead, as is evident as I rise slowly, stretching the ache out of my bones. The dark musk of the tomb fills my nostrils as I breathe slowly in, then out, in, and out.
I survey my ersatz bedroom, seeking the portal through which I walked to end up here. A broken iron door hangs awkwardly there on the wall, one of its hinges blown off. I’m surprised it hasn’t fallen to the decay of everything about it.
Slowly getting up, I swing my black leather boots over the side of the sarcophagus, brushing the dust off of my also black robes. Glancing back into the sarcophagus, I notice a human shaped skull staring back at me, not more than an inch from where my head had until previously lain. I gave it a nod for the company and walked over to the portal, yawning slightly.
The door creaks outward ominously as I entered the ruined corridor, mold and lichen having already overrun most of the ceiling holes. A few holes shine down a ray of sunlight, but it is faint and tinged green by the time it reaches down here. I straighten my belt deftly, stroking it as I do.
Its best not to get Veres agitated.
Finding a small pool of water that looks safe enough, I spare a drink, even though my thirst couldn’t kill, and I wash some of the bone dust from my shoulder length black hair. Think me gloomy, please do, for that would be an understatement to what I must be here. A grave one indeed.
“You always wear black Mithra, it is summer, you should wear cooler, happier colors”.
I jerk my head up at those words, seeking the speaker, wishing he was present, and yet knowing that, in all the miracles there can be, it was impossible. The man was dead. Had been dead for countless centuries.
That name though, Mithra, it had a certain familiarity. To call myself Mithra would mean that man had been speaking to me.
“Mithra, why do you not speak to your father? You have been poring over these books for ages”.
I turn around angrily, determined to show this man the knowledge that can be gained from these books, but my words never come. It was a memory, just a memory.

~~~

The sun beat down mercilessly on the bleached white ruins, though I escaped this by taking shelter in the shady areas I could find. What I could not escape where the memories, they always came back, cutting and rending my mind as I sat here in these blasted ruins.
Think me mad, for it is logic that tells me so, to hear voices in silence and see thoughts become reality. What was this place and why am I cursed to wander them for all ever? I shall tell you, only as to quiet the other voices….

It was a black night. Not a generic black night of evil doings and sorcerous undertakings, no, a night of the blackest silk to mask the subtle death that had come to this place. At the height of the Zinirian empire, I stood closest to the Emperor Strohm XXIX himself, I was his hand.
I meddled in politics, never quite caring what I did, only caring for the books and countless pages I read. I was a Magus, a wizard skilled in the arts of Transmutation, creation magic. I was powerful, both magically and materially. My power could reshape reality, time, even my own fate. But that I had conquered long ago.


~~~~~~~
Ill have more later, I'm currently trying to think of a good story arc.
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Moorea



Joined: 23 Mar 2007
Posts: 383
Location: Hong Kong

PostPosted: Sun Jul 08, 2007 8:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

intriguing to say the least. Some nicely done descriptions, but be careful of the run-on sentences.

And yes, you're right....there is some confustion going on...perhaps this is in Azshara? The mage is having flashbacks? Hmmm

Looking forward to the next installment

Moorea
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Samej



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PostPosted: Sun Jul 08, 2007 9:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quick side note: This does not take place in Azeroth or any WoW realted place.
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Samej



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PostPosted: Tue Jul 10, 2007 5:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

ENERVATION- Pt. 2


Not all perils in the empire of Ziniria were of the mortal kind. Most of the hazards of this land killed you slowly, ever slowly, until you lived a sort of half-life. You could be locked away in the tallest spire of the greatest palace and experience pain every single waking moment of your life, day in day out. The only thing you had to look forward to were the spells of healing the resident priest would cast upon your rain soaked, tormented body, but only to keep your corpse-mind conscious for the torturers whip and blade.
I sent countless souls to this fate, enemies of state and Lord. It is a fate worse than death, and one for which I was admired for. Who was I? I was that shadow in the corner, the one that caught all eyes and none. Mithra, a warriors name. A name fit for one who killed his enemies with the subtle blade of a stare, that threat of eternal anguish and the death of everything they held dear. I was blood and bone and shadow, worker of magic, the High Magus of the Emperors court, an emperor that held under his iron heel the lives of countless nations of the Ziniria empire, an empire stretching from Pole to pole. And yet, I was in love.
My heart burned whenever I stared at her slight form as she moved across the main aisle. I could not fight it down, yet neither could I profess it to her, for she was Astraea, daughter to the Emperor.
No matter what service, no matter what gift, a High Magus was always barred from the world of women. We, the lords of reality, unable to touch and savor something so, so fine, unable to be with the one thing on our world, our earth, that could sate this burning desire. It was forbidden.
This world, the one I sit upon, known as Shaza, is a magical place. From the encroaching green jungles of the north to the sandy wastes of the Southern Shadefiend deserts. From the storm tossed shadowy seas of the Val to the coastal kingdom of Zin, capital of the Zinirian empire, there is magic. This is already evident as my being a Transmuter. Yet there is another side to this coin. Men who dabble in the ancient transmutation arts are doomed to forever be barred from the world of women, as their purity of soul, mind and body will be corrupted by the ancient forces at work in the mind and body of a Magus to produce something…terrible.
I could not go against this, I could not go to her if it would endanger all I had strove thus far to achieve, I could not. And yet, it seemed to be that I must. I could not bear the sight of her, standing in the moonlight, her long dark hair spilling out in waves, her skin as soft and creamy as the first rays of dawn. Her face was always a smiling apparition in my thoughts, and yet she only knew me as “Magus”.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Magus, I do not even know your name”, her voice replied softly.
“What’s in a name?” I asked myself, lying there in the sun amongst the ruins of a past life.
“Nothing”, I answered calmly.
“Everything”, I replied to that.
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~Man is felled by his own design~

Samej Arkanus-Poet, Scholar, Archmage
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Fat squirrel



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PostPosted: Thu Jul 12, 2007 12:38 pm    Post subject: Re: ENERVATION-A Tale of Shadows & Silence Reply with quote

Samej wrote:
I survey my ersatz bedroom

You let a little bit of german slip in there...
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Amaunator



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PostPosted: Thu Jul 12, 2007 2:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

But he used it correctly, squirrel Wink, and that counts. I didn't know 'ersatz' existed in the English language until today ^^.

Since I felt compelled to note the above, I now feel obligated to read the chapters (I'm sure I'm making this seem more of a chore than it'll turn out to be Wink). I won't promise to be lax though Rolling Eyes.

I try to fight it down, I truly do, but would it be that one moment of weakness, the one instant of distraction that it gets me.
--> Highly technically this is a run-on sentence. The 'I truly do' counts as a separate sentence as long as it's not connected to the previous sentence, but since you obviously meant it to be a kind of 'afterthought', I suppose that the best course of action is to put that part between hyphens, which lends it that special, wayward quality Wink.

Long have I wondered how this is, why I am cursed, if it is a curse, to relive those last moments, the insurrection, the city in flames, the rivening of all, and then, silence.
--> Another run-on sentence because of the punctuation you use. The first comma should be a period or colon and the third comma is unnecessary, but not entirely irrelevant. Then, 'rivening'? I'm quite sure it's an error, but I have no idea what you wanted to write otherwise; ravening perhaps? Anyway, you'll figure it out for sure ^^.

a rich fools final and ironic folly
--> fool's.

The dark musk of the tomb fills my nostrils as I breathe slowly in, then out, in, and out.
--> Another run-on affaire. The final 'in and out' should be separated (in whichever way suits you, of course).

brushing the dust off of my also black robes
--> Drop the 'of' and I'd advise another word for 'also', it sounds so plain in the weighty style you have displayed before.

The door creaks outward ominously as I entered the ruined corridor
--> 'as' is a conjunction that equates two sentences in time, thus 'entered' must be of the same time as 'creaks', and seeing how you have consistently used present tense, 'entered' must become 'enters.

A few holes shine down a ray of sunlight
--> Actually, this is not wrong - not wrong at all even -, but I wanted to attend you to the fact that this kind of imagery is strange. One would be more tended to having the 'rays of sunlight' be the subject of that sentence, not the 'holes' through which they shine. I was frankly surprised to read this and was hoping for an allegoric or metaphoric tail to it in the next sentence (abstract description is the hype in writing so you get kind of used to it) which I was sad to be marred from Wink. You don't have to change anything about this if it pleases you and your style - I find it to be mysteriously different and awkward, but it takes some kind of bravery and aloofness to write something so contradictory to the ordinary and it takes a careful eye to spot the difference and an imaginative mind to understand it Very Happy.

Its best not to get Veres agitated.
--> It's.

even though my thirst couldn’t kill
--> I'd add 'me' after that, because it sounds bizarre, as if your thirstiness could kill someone else. Also, 'could' might do better as 'would'.

Think me gloomy, please do, for that would be an understatement to what I must be here.
--> 'please do': same as with 'I truly do'. Smile

“You always wear black Mithra, it is summer, you should wear cooler, happier colors”.
--> Use a comma before a name when that person or thing is addressed. Also, 'it is summer' and 'you should wear... colors." are all separate clauses so put periods in between them. Also, the period after 'colors' finishing the sentence inside the quotation tags goes inside the tags. (> More here for Punctuation of Dialogue, just to be sure Wink. A friend of mine posted it on a board (where you will find my shameful writings ^^) who got it from another friend Wink, but it's very good.)

The man was dead. Had been dead for countless centuries.
--> This is an inverted run-on, it's a split sentence Very Happy. In this case you can use a comma instead of a period, seeing how your second sentence now has no given subject ('he' or 'the man'), which is included in the first sentence, and because the sentence expounds on 'the man'.

The sun beat down mercilessly on the bleached white ruins, though I escaped this by taking shelter in the shady areas I could find. What I could not escape where the memories, they always came back, cutting and rending my mind as I sat here in these blasted ruins.
--> You suddenly change to past tense for not reason. That should be 'beats down', 'cannot', 'are', 'come back' and 'sit'. Also, 'they also...blasted ruins' is another typical run-on sentence. I think by now we have established clearly what to do with them Wink.

I shall tell you, only as to quiet the other voices….
--> You don't need a period after an ellipsis (...).

Not a generic black night of evil doings and sorcerous undertakings, no, a night of the blackest silk to mask the subtle death that had come to this place.
--> Idem dito; run-on.

I stood closest to the Emperor Strohm XXIX himself, I was his hand.
--> Idem.

That's the first chapter done Wink. Not a chore at all, but it needed a bit of polishing Wink.

I'm just going to give a random spout of advice here: don't send out everything you come up with; you will need all of your imagination to come up with something good. Hell, it took Tolkien 40 years of preparatory scribbling to get something decent chalked down ^^.
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Samej



Joined: 04 Jul 2007
Posts: 153
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 14, 2007 11:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Of course, a story cant be complete without Amaunators' biting review of the english language and how it was used here. Hmm, where shall I begin?

For all the run-ons, I have a problem with run-ons, so you will see them quite often. To get the story on the board quicker, I tend to overlook most grammatical errors. As for the run-ons, hes a mad Mage, Amaunator. He tends to spout fountains of speech with no pauses.

As for the missing commas and periods and whatnot, they aren't that BIG of a problem to spoil the story so you can quiet down on that part.

Quote:
hink me gloomy, please do, for that would be an understatement to what I must be here.
--> 'please do': same as with 'I truly do'


He's mad Amaunator, surely you must see that?

Quote:
You suddenly change to past tense for not reason.


--> That should be "no" Wink .



Quote:
I'm just going to give a random spout of advice here: don't send out everything you come up with; you will need all of your imagination to come up with something good. Hell, it took Tolkien 40 years of preparatory scribbling to get something decent chalked down ^^.


On this line you can also shut it. I'm not spouting stuff made up in the past few minutes. I've been designing this, as well as the world for the past 2 years. Notice that the next chapter isn't posted yet? That is due to me thinking. Thinking on how to present the next part of my grand scheme of things.

If worst comes to worst, I'll just hire you as my editor Amaunator, because I'm sure the fantasy community is going to be in a uproar over one missed comma. English obsessed Netherese Sun Gods obviously make good editors.

Just don't give 5 paragraph long grammatical critiques after every chapter please? Thanks.

And for now, just ignore the run-ons.
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Amaunator



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PostPosted: Sat Jul 14, 2007 11:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

And Albatros wonders why I became so vile all of a sudden Rolling Eyes.

Whether you like it or not, language has rules. Only when you know the rules can you bend them. No publisher will even consider reading a story that doesn't even have the most basic of things such as grammar, vocabulary and punctuation, so focusing on story won't do you much good. I'm trying to teach you something; it's your right to refuse that, but don't twist my intentions as if I'm here to gloat, because there's nothing I take more seriously than language and the things associated with it.

I know when I'm not welcome, however. I'm afraid there's no use for me to waste time on this. I'm very selective of who and what I correct and considering how I can scrap you from my list, I think I can finally tackle someone else's story (which has been long overdue, sadly).

Have fun with your run-ons and arrogance; we all need correctors and I at least know and acknowledge that I'm not alone in that.


Last edited by Amaunator on Sat Jul 14, 2007 12:18 pm; edited 2 times in total
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Samej



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PostPosted: Sat Jul 14, 2007 12:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I now that language has rules Amaunator, I know some of them and you seem to know them by heart.

Quote:
I know when I'm not welcome, however. I'm afraid there's no use for me to waste time on this. I'm very selective of who and what I correct and consider how I can scrap you from my list, I think I can finally tackle someone else's story (which has been long overdue, sadly).


You are welcome to correct all my grammatical errors but just don't do so in such a large manner. As you correct them I see where I did wrong and can strive to not make the same mistake again.

Quote:
but don't twist my intentions as if I'm here to gloat,


How did I do that? You are just giving grammatical advice (albeit in a large manner) not gloating.

Just ignore the run-ons for now and don't bother with miniscule things like commas and periods. I enjoy seeing what mistakes you can find in my work and how I should improve. It just gets a tiny bit annoying when you come out with large lists like that.

So for now just lay off with punctuation and run-ons. Wink
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Amaunator



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PostPosted: Sat Jul 14, 2007 12:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm sorry then that we were talking past each other...

Maybe there is still something I can do, and I'll be unorthodox about it ^^.

I'll give you some links to sites explaining clauses, common errors and in your case punctuation and run-on sentences which you can sift through at your leisure; no pressure. Other than that, however, I will mark all errors and, instead of giving a long list, I'll give you the amount of grammatical, vocabulary and punctuation errors I found in your chapter. That way you can learn whilst you write (which effectively is a much better way of learning than my pointing out your errors like a 30's school teacher) Smile.

Aside that, I'll comment on your style, any particular peculiarities good or bad and such. These are usually the things I can write paragraphs about, though ^^.

How does that sound? Seeing how you story is new and that I've now saved myself some time, I can still focus on other people's too.
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Laird Orcid



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PostPosted: Sat Jul 14, 2007 7:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

it's nice, the occasional error here and there, but it's all common, too bad i'm going on holiday (again ) so i can't really state anything now. i'm in quite the hurry here.
check this though.

- 'they are'/'they're'
- 'of them'/'their'
- 'we are'/'we're'
- 'where'/'question word, direction'

it's stupid, but it is so. Have fun writing while i'm gone. bye
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Samej



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PostPosted: Sat Jul 14, 2007 8:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Penned by Amaunator:
Quote:
How does that sound?


Perfect.
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Amaunator



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PostPosted: Sat Jul 14, 2007 8:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Done deal Wink. I'll whip something up for your second chapter Smile, tomorrow.
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Samej



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PostPosted: Sat Jul 14, 2007 9:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

And now, the 3rd installment of ENERVATION.




~

(Ok, I’ll try to watch it with the run-ons now.)

The peoples of the planet I stand upon now are blessed by not knowing what terrors lie in the past. They do not know what abominations have touched upon these shores, what catastrophes have occurred in the greatest cities of the past. I, however, know what trials the earth has endured. I have seen it all, and yet, in seeing it, I am burdened with the eternal knowledge that I can do nothing to change them.
I have seen cities of stone and magic rise from beneath the waves of the sea, deep as eternity, wide as you dare. These same cities I have walked through, exploring these ruins of a temporary kind, my only tools my spellbook, inks and scrolls. I remember those journeys vaguely now, faint images of wonders beyond the conjuration of a dreaming mind.
The sun is at its zenith, and there is no shade to be found. I am dazed by the heat, driven to run from it, to flee its burning touch to any of the myriad underground sanctums of this place. I stumble down a blasted staircase and enter a library of sorts. Mold and various fungi grow here abundantly, the air stinks of life. At the center of the chamber sits a pedestal of stone, the only structure untouched by the erosion of this place.
I sit down comfortably, noting the location of this place in my mental map. I have wandered the ruins of this great city times beyond counting, yet the layout seems to change with every passing of the sun and moon.
One moment I am sitting on bare stone, the next…

I am in the Imperial Palace’s throne room once more. A grand affair, the Imperial palace had been hewn from the cliffs themselves. It extended far into and under the cliffs of this area. The sprawling coastal city of Ziniria bustled beyond its great gates, men and women hawking their wares, orderly chaos on an epic scale. The blue stone that covered every structure was mined from the deepest trenches of the Val, sea-stone, it was known as. The palace stood at the very back of Ziniria, as the rest of the city sprawled out some two miles onto, and into in some cases, the great Val Sea.
The sea was our life, our economy, our army. Long ago, before Maalas, the planet which I live upon, was bathed in light half the day, there was only shadow. The light, the Shorn, was both an enemy, and an ally. There are always two forces in the multi-verse that will be in eternal conflict. Shorn, and Sin.
Sin, now commonly known as Sinera, was what came, when all was empty light, she (for we engender it as a “her”) banished all knowing light, and brought darkness. Thus, the void was made.
Hmmm, but even my mind cannot recall all of the story of creation.
I take what follows from an old tome, one difficult to acquire for even me.
Make of it what you will, but know that there was something here before us, something…dark.

Nyx
Of Shadows forging and the Song of Creation

In the beginning there was naught but light, a deep, fathomless light that covered all. And of this light there arose a being, no one knows from whence this being came, nothing but that it was born of desire. A desire.
Who’s desire it was will probably never be known, but a desire of this magnitude gave birth to the first, the only one in this realm of light. Sin, it was called.
In a place where there is no place, for it is not a place in this perception of time, but rather outside of time, there was a flicker of something other than light. Sin, it moved across the light, banishing a once infinite brightness. Of the desire that Sin was created from, was the desire of change. And so change was brought to the ever-present light as darkness, an eternal darkness.
A war of will ensued, where the light was quickly overcome by Sin, a carrier of the godly desire for change, and thus, the great void came into being, a realm of eternal darkness, a place where the memory of light was banished from forever.
In the aftermath of this great cosmic change, Sin was joyous in its victory, and thusly sung a song of Creation, crafted of it’s own desire to be able to create. Of this song came the Nyxians, the Ancients of this realm of reality, the Proto-beings of all following races. These were Sin’s children,
It’s servants. In this creation there came into being an abstract and un-tangible thread of desire, an unconscious requirement for the song to be sung. Time, it was called.
Time gave to the Nyxians the ability to exist as a point in space and not just a desire, the ability to create as the off-sprung desires of Sin. Thus Sin became Sinera, as the first Era of time began to flow, the Era of Shadow it is now called.
In this void the Nyxians created freely, in the eternal pitch of their world, a dark and desolate place. Being there no sun, the Nyxians became creatures of darkness, tall, shadowy beings of blackness. In the initial creation, Sin brought into being but a handful of these Shadows, and gave to them the concept of desire. Desire was wrought as two sides, a light long banished, and an ever-present darkness. Thus the Nyxians gleamed the fruits of reproduction in its earliest form. Gender first came into being, and a consensual desire had to be made by both sides of the spectrum to procreate. Language was given to them as sound. The words first spoken became the creators’ language, given to its children.
And yet, as this creation took hold, and the desires of Sinera were worked in full as tangible things occupying a point in both space and time, there came a rebellion. That long banished being, light, returned and made war upon Sinera once again.
The long forgotten experiments of the Nyxians arose as the Kharxena, or Sun Elves. They rose from the breath of light visited upon Shaza by the Shorn, a great orb of light that lit up a side of Shaza. These people were radiant and brilliant in both action and plan. They fled across the great sea and founded a new empire of light and purity. Then they made war against the darkness.
Fueled by Sinera’s desires, the Nyxians fought this new adversary, willing it to go back to the far reaches of reality from whence it came and to banish the elves from this plane forever. Seeing the coming darkness, the light shone even brighter, reveling in the chance to deal a blow to Sinera. It succeeded.
The Nyxians, creatures used to living in eternal darkness and unaccustomed to having to fight, achieved a desperate victory as their arts and their achievements took on the blackness of war. For 2700 long years, the Nyxains fought the hated Kharxena, shadows trying to quench a flame. Near the end, there came a turning point as a great battle was fought.
The massacre of Crescent Isle saw the passing of millions of souls as the assembled Kharxenian Armies did battle with the assembled Nyxian Legions. The Nyxians lost the island after 7 weeks of battle, giving the Kharxena a clear path to the capital of Nyxia. The Nyxians could only do one thing to escape extinction.
They fled their homeland, leaving behind all the emotions and achievements of desire they had wrought. Sinera quickly sheltered her creations, spiriting them away to the heart of the void, a place even the light could not reach. In the usage of this will to move such beings across such a distance, Sinera stole a small amount of the lights power, joining it with it’s opposite to form a thread to move the Nyxians across. This thread is known as magic today, and in all that time, it has multiplied to cover all of the void.
Anger, an emotion Sinera had learned from the Nyxians frustration at failed endeavors, fueled Sinera’s actions then, as she challenged Light to an eternal duel amongst the holes he had cut open in the void by that time, or stars as they are known as today. They still battle to this day, a war of infinite will, and limitless desire.

Unknown to Sinera, upon the world the Nyxians had abandoned, lingered still their forays into the creation of life, an action they had envied their creator for. These husks of creatures were lifeless until the Light, in his battle with Sinera clove a great hole in the texture of the void, bringing forth a titanic brilliance which breathed the life of pure desire into these husks.
Thus it was, that among the ruins of the rapidly changing Nyxian world, the
first humans came into being.

- Penned by Coras, Seer of the Winds, Eye of Malak
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Samej Arkanus-Poet, Scholar, Archmage


Last edited by Samej on Mon Jul 16, 2007 10:13 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Amaunator



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PostPosted: Sun Jul 15, 2007 7:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Congrats with the sticky, by the way Smile.

Right, time to tackle the second chapter Smile.

Amount of errors: 16

Yet there is another side to this coin. Men who dabble in the ancient transmutation arts are doomed to forever be barred from the world of women, as their purity of soul, mind and body will be corrupted by the ancient forces at work in the mind and body of a Magus to produce something…terrible.
--> I think you're relinquishing this information too soon. This is a tantamount dilemma for your main character, and having all the mysteries spread out on the table already is dangerous, because it might leave you with less things to work with later on.

How long will you make this story? You're moving at a considerable pace (which is good) so you need to make sure you can keep going at that pace throughout the story.

Here are some links to things that apparently pose the biggest problem to you:
Clauses
Run-on Sentences
The Possessive


These aren't real errors and I didn't mark them as such either:
Concise style
Kurt Vonnegut's addition to concise style and style in general - A good, short read Smile

On to the third!

Amount of errors: 18
More errors than previously, but considering this part is larger than the previous, you are actually, relatively speaking, making progress ^^.

Make of it what you will, but know that there was something here before us, something…dark.
--> I would dissuade you from using this kind of film-aspiring rhetoric in your story. You could have managed by not going over the edge had you not used the ellipsis, but you did. No matter how ominous things are: do not use cheesy or tried and failed sentence constructions.

I admire the creation of life from light to dark and not otherwise as is most popular Smile.

Of the desire that Sin was created from, was the desire of change.
--> Though I love reading epic sentences, this one is way over the top. I'm sad to advise you to tone it down ^^.

I'm afraid I lost the meaning of some words along the line. Shaza? Shorn? Again, a very quick pace, but not you're just thundering along ^^.

The massacre of Crescent Vale saw the passing of millions of souls as the assembled Kharxenian Armies did battle with the assembled Nyxian Legions. The Nyxians lost the island after 7 weeks of battle, giving the Kharxena a clear path to the capital of Nyxia.
--> It's the massacre of Crescent Vale, yet they lose an island Confused. I'm thoroughly confused now.

Some more references for the third chapter:
Relative pronouns and clauses
Commas/Colons/Semicolons
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