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Dakrim's Tale
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Moorea



Joined: 23 Mar 2007
Posts: 383
Location: Hong Kong

PostPosted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 9:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yes, that was an extremely difficult chapter. I must have re-written that part II more than 5 times.

Of course there are some parts that I'm still not 100% satisfied with. BUT, my brain is distracted at the moment with my M.Ed program. Several hundred pages of reading per week, plus research projects & papers due in December and the ultimate thesis due next year.

Chapter 20 is done already as well. BUT as usual, I'm revising it a bit...may take me a few more days.

After Chapter 20, I plan on going back to the beginning and tightening up the entire story. The first few chapters seem short and a bit choppy...I'll flush them out a bit and tie up any loose ends.
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Fat squirrel



Joined: 23 Aug 2005
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 12:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not ignoring, just stunned into silence and all that...
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Moorea



Joined: 23 Mar 2007
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 7:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Is that a good thing? I was hoping for a surprising twist in this chapter....

Tell me what you think~


Last edited by Moorea on Wed Oct 08, 2008 2:04 am; edited 1 time in total
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Fat squirrel



Joined: 23 Aug 2005
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 11:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

No its good I like it keep writing.
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Moorea



Joined: 23 Mar 2007
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 27, 2008 2:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dakrim’s Tale: Chapter 20


Dakrim Thundershorn watched a lone hawk sail across the sun. Squinting his eyes, he followed the bird’s majestic glide, rising up and down the air currents over the central mesa of Thunderbluff. He only partially listened to what Cairne Bloodhoof, recently recalled as the leader of the city, was saying. It was a long, sad speech, and Dakrim did not want to dwell anymore on what had been lost. Much was said of the Grimtotem treachery. Old hag Magatha Grimtotem had disappeared, as well as most of her clan, immediately after the word spread of their shocking actions. Any and all Grimtotem clan members were to be killed on sight. How could they betray their own kinsmen, their own race? But it wasn’t only the Grimtotem clan, he thought, a tightness building up in his chest. Dakrim looked over to the specially built platform where several prisoners were standing, bound firmly to stout poles.

Lakish Proudsnout was staring upwards, probably at the same hawk his nephew noticed. The once mighty hunter was dressed in a simple loincloth, as were all of his fellow prisoners.

Dakrim let his eyes wander over the amassed population of Thunderbluff; wondering why did all this happen. Many had passed on to the next life. These people here were the survivors, the victors of their ancient enemy’s failed siege. They murmured their revulsion as Chief Bloodhoof now directed his speech towards the prisoners, explaining their roles as to why their actions resulted in so many dead and half of the city in ashes.

The young warrior from Red Cloud Mesa turned away from the scene before him and reminisced the events after that night, the night he discovered his uncle was one of the traitors. The mighty Centaur army was in confusion when that dawn arose. Their leader was rumored to have been crushed in the secret passageway that Waren defended with his life. Without that element of surprise by the Grimtotem traitors, the nomadic and fractal nature of the Centaur clans re-asserted themselves. They had no patience for siege warfare. Fights broke out among the attacking army. Their warchiefs could not agree on anything, which resulted in very little defense and only token attempts at retaliation. Two weeks after the foiled coup, the Centaur army was in tatters. Regional clans grouped together and were fleeing pell-mell for their own territories. Tauren units, mounted on heavy kodo, were dispatched and still chasing pockets of wayward Centaur across the grassy plains of Mulgore.

Dakrim smiled briefly, remembering the joy he felt when he was given temporary command of his own unit of raiders by Commander Whitestone as a reward for his part in stopping the betrayers. After a few night raids, word rapidly spread among the horsemen to avoid his flaming axe. Shak’Tar tasted much Centaur blood during this time. The young warrior’s fame also spread among the citizens of Thunderbluff, as he was often cheered at when moving about the city. Both Shaman Meela and Lanka had already teased the young Tauren over some of the heroic tales they overheard concerning their friend’s exploits in routing the Centaur. Dakrim didn’t mind. Wistfully, he wished again that his adopted father could be here. His smiled faded as he looked again at the prisoners’ platform.

Angry shouts flew through the air. Immediate calls for their execution were called for and Chief Bloodhoof agreed. An executioner approached the platform. Dressed in fiery red colored armor, the executioner raised a huge double-sided axe. The heavy blade sliced neatly through the prisoner’s thick neck. The severed head fell to the wooden platform where a burly guardsman kicked it over the edge before untying the corpse and pushing it over the side as well.

Five more Grimtotem clan members were quickly and efficiently dispatched. The gathered crowd cheered and roared with approval as each traitor’s head and corpse were hurled over the side of the mesa. This method of punishment was unusual for the Tauren race, but never in the history of Thunderbluff had such treason been committed. The Council of Elders voted for execution for the first time in collective memory. Now, all of the traitors were dead except one. The last prisoner was Lakish. He growled defiantly at the executioner, spittle flying from his mouth.

Dakrim closed his eyes. He didn’t want to watch this. A small hand slid into his own. Shaman Meela squeezed tightly while the crowd cheered and roared. The young Tauren forced his mind to concentrate on something else, anything else.

The meeting with Chief Bloodhoof and the Council of Elders last night popped into his thoughts. Unconsciously his free hand came to rest on the new belt buckle. The memory of him standing before the entire council was vivid and powerful. The chief of all Tauren had publicly acknowledged him as a hero of the city. Everyone was praising him. Harutt would have been pleased to hear that, he mused. The council presented him with a gold and jewel encrusted belt as a special reward. The Chief would not say specifically what power the belt held, but hinted that it possessed great power. He intimated that Dakrim would have to discover this power on his own.

The noise of the dispersing crowd had died down. He waited awhile longer before opening his eyes again. Shaman Meela still held his right hand. He could feel Lanka Farshot’s presence still on his right, cradling his rifle, silent and unmoving in his own thoughts.

Meela spoke first. “Come,” she said, leading Dakrim and Lanka to the platform.

All three of them knelt and gathered a handful of earth. Together they mounted the platform and moved to the edge. Many others were doing the same, including Chief Bloodhoof. They raised their hands, one by one, releasing the earth gradually into the gusty void. No one spoke.

Dakrim prayed to the Great Earth Mother. He prayed for those who died and those who lived. He prayed for his mother whom he never knew, his father, Aunt Kawnie, friends Sarn and Waren, adopted father Harutt, and even for Uncle Lakish. Long after the last bit of earth was taken away by the wind, Dakrim stood still, warm sunshine on his face, expressing his gratitude for the things that he did have. Several acquaintances approached the young warrior and offered silent condolences. Commander Whitestone and Chief Bloodhoof both embraced Dakrim warmly before dismounting the platform and shuffling away. Dakrim stoically greeted them all, until at last he was alone. Except for the wind, the silence was deafening. Finally, the young bull turned and stepped off the platform, rejoining Lanka & Meela by a nearby tree. He looked at both of them, tried to open his mouth to speak, but the words got caught in his throat.

Meela and Lanka both nodded their understanding. Some time passed quietly before the silence was broached.

“Our people have changed,” the shaman spoke, heaving a big sigh. She looked up at the sky and continued. “The old ways are passing.”

Lanka snorted, “Not for the better.” He turned to Dakrim. “Do you have any plans?” he asked.

Dakrim did not answer immediately. He pondered the question for a minute before answering. “I would like to return to Red Cloud Mesa.”

Pulling on his long braided beard, Lanka grinned, his wide teeth shining. “Are you sure?”

The younger Tauren blushed under his tawny colored fur. He cleared his throat before speaking. “Yes,” he said slowly. “But I need to go by the Barrens on the way.”

Shaman Meela’s eyebrows shot up. “On the way?” she retorted, feigning surprise. After a moment, she looked at Lanka and nudged his elbow. “I guess you were right,” she snickered.

Dakrim grunted. “What?” he asked.

Lanka coughed behind a large hand. “Well,” he began. “I was planning on returning to the Barrens to do a little hunting.” He grinned at the younger Tauren. “I supposed we could travel together.”

Shaman Meela gasped, smacking the hunter’s shoulder with a balled-up fist. “Of course you can!” she exclaimed. “I wish I could go too,” her voice faded. Silence came over the threesome for a moment before she spoke again. “Would it be possible to return to the site where Harutt fell?” Seeing the nod of both Dakrim and Lanka, “Good,” she said quietly. “Even if there are no remains, please scatter some of the earth of Mulgore for him.” Meela pulled a small leather pouch out of her pocket, knelt down and filled it with dirt. Rising, she handed the pouch to Dakrim.

The young Tauren nodded gravely. “Yes, we will do this,” he replied.

Together, the three Tauren from Red Cloud Mesa left the empty gathering area. They strolled together past several partially reconstructed huts towards the inn. The city of Thunderbluff was being rebuilt, but Dakrim wasn’t paying attention to his surroundings; visions of emerald green skin topped with long braids of obsidian hair filled his eyes and heart.
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Moorea



Joined: 23 Mar 2007
Posts: 383
Location: Hong Kong

PostPosted: Mon Oct 27, 2008 7:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, that's it folks:) Thanks for the journey so far. But don't worry, I'm going to go back to the beginning and start fleshing things out. I want to retool some of the earlier chapters a bit to make the story more streamlined and coherent.

At 10 sized font, Dakrim's Tale in its current form adds up to 121 pages and just over 64,000 words. Wow! I've never written anything this long before. Next year I have a thesis due for a minimum of 60k words....doesn't seem too daunting now that I've atleast accomplished something this long.

At the moment, I have not begun writing anything new for Dakrim, but I'm sure this is not the end. I see many more possibilities/adventures for him. More than likely, I think I'll continue on with him where each chapter is a seperate story in itself...like a series of episodes on a tv show.

I have however, started collecting sketches for several more short stories. They are not connected to Warcraft in any way, but if ya'll like, I can start posting them on here as well. I've come to value and treasure the input/encouragement I've found on this site. Thanks again to everyone for your fantastic support. I truly appreciate it.
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Moorea



Joined: 23 Mar 2007
Posts: 383
Location: Hong Kong

PostPosted: Thu Nov 06, 2008 10:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok folks~ The "great re-write" has begun. Going back and reading the comments left at the beginning of my story, I can see that there is certainly room for improvement. I'm not claiming what I've done or will do is perfect, but I think it will be smoother reading than it used to be. One of the more consistent concerns that readers expressed was that the first few chapters were "choppy" and the point of view changed too often or at least too quickly. I hope the new REVISED chapter 1 is not as choppy as before. I've added a 1 1/2 pages of new content to hopefully make the story flow better.

Still, any comments, questions, observations, corrections, concerns, complaints, anything is heartily appreciated:)

The old chapter 1 has been replaced with the new, accessable on page 1 of this thread. Subsequently I'll replace the old chapters the same way with "REVISED" in the title. The REVISED chapter 2 will be done shortly.

My plan is to go through all of the chapters and tweaking a bit here and there. When done, I'll seperate the comments from the story and put the story all together for one big continuous read. Thanks for the support, guys!
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Amaunator



Joined: 03 Dec 2005
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 07, 2008 6:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The revised chapters will be for some other time, but I'll take a crack at chapter 20 Wink.

I don't know if taurens would execute criminals, really... Are you sure you want to have them do that? Even given the exceptional treason...

Other than that I like that final chapter. Still some questions though Wink.
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Moorea



Joined: 23 Mar 2007
Posts: 383
Location: Hong Kong

PostPosted: Sun Nov 09, 2008 9:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

My first thought was no, that they wouldn't execute criminals. Tauren are supposed to be benevolent, gentle natured creatures, right? But I set aside my lvl 70 characters (warrior, rogue, hunter) and started leveling a Tauren shammy a while ago. Starting in Stonetalon Mountains and also Thousand Needles, there are some "Grimtotem" quests where killing the renegade Tauren are required. So I wanted to tie-in a possible reason why the general Tauren population hates the Grimtotem so much. High treason in collaboration with the traditional Tauren enemy was the strongest reason I could think of...and betraying their entire race did seem to coincide with some other Tauren mythos that I've read on WoW wiki and other places.

I also wanted to point out that the times were changing...the Tauren culture in general is in danger of fading away into the more warlike nature of the Horde. I tried to do that with the comparison of the bloodthirsty crowd and the more traditional Tauren who stayed behind to observe the old death rites.

Originally I wasn't planning on continuing any Dakrim stories...but now I kind of hate to say goodbye, so I think ya'll can expect something new in the future:) There are so many little things I've discovered while exploring the Barrens, Stonetalon, Thousand Needles, & Ashenvale lately while leveling my shammy that I totally overlooked in my mad rush to level my other characters. Lots of things begging for a full story to be told:) Just as soon as I finish some tweaking on this first Dakrim's Tale:)
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Moorea



Joined: 23 Mar 2007
Posts: 383
Location: Hong Kong

PostPosted: Mon Nov 10, 2008 2:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok, the revised Chapter 2 is posted. I did not change much, only corrected a few odd sentences and put in a few linking sentences so I could reduce the amount of times that there needs to be an artificial break between changes of scenery/time. Some of you guys wrote to me about that. There's no way to link everything, but I hope that it is clearer and not as choppy as before.
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Moorea



Joined: 23 Mar 2007
Posts: 383
Location: Hong Kong

PostPosted: Wed Nov 12, 2008 11:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok, revised chapter 3 is up. Added quite a bit more content, mostly conversation or inner thoughts by the characters to flesh them out and give them all a bit more depth. That should help with the flow of the story and the introduction of new characters.


If anyone has a question, comment, concern, or even a request, by all means, write it down and I'll consider making changes:)
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Moorea



Joined: 23 Mar 2007
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Location: Hong Kong

PostPosted: Thu Nov 27, 2008 2:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ohhhh yeah! Revised Chapters 4 & 5 are done and posted!!!! Chapter 4 was a doozy! That's the first time there's a huge battle sequence and several folks gave me some feedback that although they enjoyed the battle scences, it appeared choppy and the ending of the chapter seemed a bit disjointed to them. So, I've gone back in and tried to smooth those wrinkles out. A few cosmetic changes here and there, eliminated some awkward sentences and just flat out simplified others. The ending of chapter 4 has been altered slightly so that it should be more clear...atleast I hope:) The obvious breaks between paragraphs which represent changes in perspective are now of all the same standard length so that readers shouldn't have any trouble distinguishing who and what's going on. Again...I hope so...if anyone disagrees or has any other comments, they are most welcome:)

Chapter 5 only has some cosmetic changes...and I decided that since Dakrim is supposed to be only a 5 year old child at that time, I cut out the "whining" that he was doing over his lot in life. I figured that this wasn't very consistent with his overall character, or atleast who I envisioned of him growing up to be.

Again, if anyone would like to make a comment, please feel free to do so. I'm enjoying going over this and I'm trying to take this revision commitment seriously. After I finish my Masters in Education program here in Hong Kong, I'm contemplating going for another degree in creative writing or literature. I like teaching, but to be honest I'd much rather write for a living...though I don't particularly feel like I've enough talent. Still...I'd like to try. Better to pursue a dream than be unhappy forever by wondering what could have been, right?
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Moorea



Joined: 23 Mar 2007
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 27, 2008 11:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Revised Chapters 6 & 7 are done & buried, folks! Didn't find too many things that particularly needed changing other then a few words here and there. I'm aiming to get all of the story done and compiled together before the Christmas holidays. This may sound cocky but I feel like the latter chapters are better written than the first few so there isn't as much change. Still, feel free to point out any mistakes or comments please:)

Ya'll can expect new stories after that:) Got lots of stuff simmering on the back burners at the moment...
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Amaunator



Joined: 03 Dec 2005
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 28, 2008 7:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good to hear you're moving up the pace Smile. Once you're done I'll start rereading entirely then Wink (easier to read a full story. We've done all the error checking, but the general picture could do with some more scrutiny, I feel) and I can't wait to see what you'll write next Smile.
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Moorea



Joined: 23 Mar 2007
Posts: 383
Location: Hong Kong

PostPosted: Sun Nov 30, 2008 9:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks Amaunator, I agree. The general picture can use some scrutiny. I'm hoping that the changes I made in the first few chapters will go a long ways into making the story more readable.

I'm anxious to get this done with and start on several other projects too. Though I haven't written the two research projects (a minimum of 7000 words EACH) for my M.Ed yet, my classes themselves are almost over. This week is the last, actually. After that I REALLY need to buckle down and write the reseach papers. But I can say after surviving my first semester of graduate school that I see no reason why I need to give up something as pleasurable as writing for this web site.

Chapter 8 is revised and posted. No changes to the story were necessary, but a few sentences were awkward and I added little bits here and there to the dialogue to make it sound more natural.
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