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Zowie's Poem

 
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TIDYBOI



Joined: 16 Sep 2007
Posts: 47
Location: Caverns beneath the Opera Populare

PostPosted: Sat Jul 05, 2008 2:01 pm    Post subject: Zowie's Poem Reply with quote

as she has no computer I must post it >.>

I flew to Babylon of old
Through gardens green and streets of gold
While one, or two, or nine, a score
Sang weeping on the river’s shore …

I flew to Babylon today –
The stars are veiled, the sky is gray.
The streets are rolling with a flood
Of women’s screams and children’s blood –
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Links, rechts, gerade aus. Du bist in labyrinth.
Links, rechts, gerade aus.
Links, rechts, gerade aus.
Klopf klopf lasst mich ein
Lasst mich sei geheimnis sein
Klopf klopf... Klopf klopf.
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Amaunator



Joined: 03 Dec 2005
Posts: 2074
Location: Belgium ... innocuous but intrepid!

PostPosted: Sat Jul 05, 2008 6:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not too bad Smile. Good contrast, but it might have earned to, for that purpose, use crossed rhyming instead of couplet rhyming. Just an idea Smile.
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the sun may melt the rain
may rinse the sky may sink
the clouds may meet the dirt
may drop your heart may heal

feelings of love you love
fluttering hearts you hate
revealing souls you love
breaking spirits you hate that

the sun...
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Farsider



Joined: 10 Aug 2005
Posts: 913

PostPosted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 7:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like it.

And this is coming from somebody who's totally ignorant about poetry, and tends to dislike poetic writings as a rule.

Thumbs up!

(I was surprised to realize that it used the couplets instead of crossed rhyming, but I don't think it detracts. It's just breaks the mold)
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Moorea



Joined: 23 Mar 2007
Posts: 383
Location: Hong Kong

PostPosted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 10:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I thought the couplets are fine. I read it to myself with the cross ryhme, but it didn't seem to be any better to me.

I assume the author is referring to where the real Babylon is and its current state of affairs?

How sad...such an archeologically important place can be and still is literally running with blood. Will the fighting ever end?
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Amaunator



Joined: 03 Dec 2005
Posts: 2074
Location: Belgium ... innocuous but intrepid!

PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 9:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Moorea wrote:
Will the fighting ever end?


Sadly, I fear the answer to that is no. We can only hope for less fighting...
_________________
the sun may melt the rain
may rinse the sky may sink
the clouds may meet the dirt
may drop your heart may heal

feelings of love you love
fluttering hearts you hate
revealing souls you love
breaking spirits you hate that

the sun...
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TIDYBOI



Joined: 16 Sep 2007
Posts: 47
Location: Caverns beneath the Opera Populare

PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 10:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

She really is a kook, crazy about preserving archeology, and "the wales"...
But yeah she's happy you all got it, not that we doubted any of you would. Smile

EDIT: Oh! By the way she told me that this is actually a verse from one of her songs in progress, just with some mellow chord strumming to accompany it.
_________________
Links, rechts, gerade aus. Du bist in labyrinth.
Links, rechts, gerade aus.
Links, rechts, gerade aus.
Klopf klopf lasst mich ein
Lasst mich sei geheimnis sein
Klopf klopf... Klopf klopf.
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Amaunator



Joined: 03 Dec 2005
Posts: 2074
Location: Belgium ... innocuous but intrepid!

PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 12:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

TIDYBOI wrote:
She really is a kook, crazy about preserving archeology, and "the wales"...
But yeah she's happy you all got it, not that we doubted any of you would. Smile

EDIT: Oh! By the way she told me that this is actually a verse from one of her songs in progress, just with some mellow chord strumming to accompany it.


Ah, that explains the couplet rhyming!

And Moorea, crossed rhyming doesn't have to sound better. In fact, if it doesn't sound better at all it would be all for the best, because then people would wonder why it was made cross-rhyming and not couplet-rhyming, and then they might wonder: is there a meaning to it cross-rhyming rather than couplet-rhyming.

Cross-rhyming would signify the discord. Couplet-rhyming merely signifies the symmetry, which you have anyway because of the near-repetition of the first verse and metre.
_________________
the sun may melt the rain
may rinse the sky may sink
the clouds may meet the dirt
may drop your heart may heal

feelings of love you love
fluttering hearts you hate
revealing souls you love
breaking spirits you hate that

the sun...
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Exodus



Joined: 26 Feb 2006
Posts: 2262
Location: P-Town represent!

PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 1:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's a great poem, and it will make a great song, I should think. Beautiful but sad.
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TIDYBOI



Joined: 16 Sep 2007
Posts: 47
Location: Caverns beneath the Opera Populare

PostPosted: Sun Jul 20, 2008 5:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

okay xD


I swam to Dover Cliffs alone
And met Hod on his winter throne
While twenty bolts of mistletoe
Forced twenty widows full with woe...

I swam to Dover Cliffs today-
The sea is stiff and heavy weighs
On twenty minds traped in one head
On twenty mounds heaped with the dead



This is the next verse that she finaly chose to divulge to me >.>
and if u don't know who Hod is you're not alone, after some searching I give you: wikipedia.org/wiki/Höðr
apparently he's the god of winter.
_________________
Links, rechts, gerade aus. Du bist in labyrinth.
Links, rechts, gerade aus.
Links, rechts, gerade aus.
Klopf klopf lasst mich ein
Lasst mich sei geheimnis sein
Klopf klopf... Klopf klopf.
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View user's profile Send private message
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