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Poem

 
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mortarman178



Joined: 16 Aug 2005
Posts: 988
Location: no longer in hell but back home now

PostPosted: Sun Sep 11, 2005 12:39 am    Post subject: Poem Reply with quote

i wrote this when i was in basic to my girlfriend.


A Far Away Knight

Oh brave sir knight were are you to night

Your lady she misses you

Come back to her, Come back home

Nay, For he cannot

For off he is in a different place,

learning to fight, learning to kill, learning to save

Please fair lady do not cry for him

For he will be home soon

From the east he will come on a steal bird in the sky

he will no long be the same on the out side or the in

but he will still love you still the same.

With his Head high and a blue cord on his arm he wil be a new man
ready to fight and try

Even for people who he will never know

but mostly for the one he loves soo

So look to the sky far above for in the east he will come back home




Embarassed so every one tell me what you think be honest Very Happy
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HHB 3-82 FA 2nd BCT 1st Cav Div

"I am become death, the destroyer of worlds."

"A hero is born among a hundred, a wise man is found among a thousand, but an accomplished one might not be found even among a hundred thousand men."
Plato


Last edited by mortarman178 on Tue Sep 13, 2005 4:46 pm; edited 3 times in total
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Albatros
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Joined: 15 Jul 2005
Posts: 2111

PostPosted: Sun Sep 11, 2005 1:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

"learning to safe" = ?

"a different place" could be replaced with something a bit more poetic.

I like it: it's succinct, simple and clear. says what it means without getting all stupid-poeticky or unbearably sappy, which is the trap al lot of love poems fall into.

so here's the only important question: did she like it? =]
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mortarman178



Joined: 16 Aug 2005
Posts: 988
Location: no longer in hell but back home now

PostPosted: Sun Sep 11, 2005 4:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

yes she did. im not the greatest at poems or writing but i was reather fond of it and so was she


ok i made the edit on safe lol
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HHB 3-82 FA 2nd BCT 1st Cav Div

"I am become death, the destroyer of worlds."

"A hero is born among a hundred, a wise man is found among a thousand, but an accomplished one might not be found even among a hundred thousand men."
Plato
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Cangjku



Joined: 06 Sep 2005
Posts: 713
Location: back in wisconsin

PostPosted: Tue Sep 13, 2005 11:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A poet critiquing a poet is always a tricky thing. (attempts to reset mind into helpful teacher type mode and not rewrite poem.)

OK, I like the content it is very simple and gets the point across when you read it a couple times. I think you may have overlooked a few words that would help. You also have some typos that may or may not be intentional. There are also words that probably aren't necessary to get your point across. I will fix typos as I go.

For example
Add "you" to this line:

Quote:
Oh brave sir knight were are to night


so it looks like this

Oh brave sir knight where are you tonight,

Remove "so" from this line

Quote:
Your lady she misses you so


Its an extra word that adds clutter.

Quote:
Nay, For he can not


Cannot is usually one word, not two.

Quote:
Please far lady do not cry for him


I am not sure whether far is supposed to fair but either works in the context you have presented.

Quote:
he will no long be the same on the out side and the in


I think in this line you were going for "longer", not "long".
I would also have changed the "and" at the end to "or" instead

Quote:
So look to the sky far above for in the east he will come back home


I personally would remove this line entirely. This is a love poem and you have already portrayed that the Knight will be home soon. And also where the lady needs to look to see the steel bird carrying her love home. Simply close with the fact that the Knight comes home not to fight solely for strangers, but mostly for the people he loves. This says to the lady that I love you and am willing to fight and die for you. Leaving it at that would likely make a much bigger impact.

I hope some of this helps, the core message you were going for was good, it just needed a little polish.
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Cangjku, Druid of Mulgore

My website: www.eaglesoutpost.com
I had fan fiction there, but not for world of warcraft and have taken it down since I am not working on it. I might dedicate a blog to it though.


Last edited by Cangjku on Tue Sep 13, 2005 11:08 am; edited 1 time in total
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mortarman178



Joined: 16 Aug 2005
Posts: 988
Location: no longer in hell but back home now

PostPosted: Tue Sep 13, 2005 4:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

thank you for the edits and i will fix them right up


if anyone else has a coment please leave it lol i can take it i promise
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HHB 3-82 FA 2nd BCT 1st Cav Div

"I am become death, the destroyer of worlds."

"A hero is born among a hundred, a wise man is found among a thousand, but an accomplished one might not be found even among a hundred thousand men."
Plato
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Anonymous
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 10, 2005 8:50 am    Post subject: help.. Reply with quote

I do not know how to stop this.
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mortarman178



Joined: 16 Aug 2005
Posts: 988
Location: no longer in hell but back home now

PostPosted: Sat Oct 15, 2005 10:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

What??????
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HHB 3-82 FA 2nd BCT 1st Cav Div

"I am become death, the destroyer of worlds."

"A hero is born among a hundred, a wise man is found among a thousand, but an accomplished one might not be found even among a hundred thousand men."
Plato
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mortarmansprincess



Joined: 21 May 2007
Posts: 126
Location: TX

PostPosted: Tue May 22, 2007 1:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Write more poems! I am your wife. I command you to write more poetry. Twisted Evil
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Randomdude



Joined: 18 Nov 2006
Posts: 601
Location: A box outside of your house

PostPosted: Tue May 22, 2007 1:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thats pretty good although it sounds a lot like the one that your wife posted the other day.
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"We few, we happy few, we band of brothers; For he to-day that sheds his blood with me Shall be my brother." - Solaris - Tír gan teanga, tír gan anam.
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mortarman178



Joined: 16 Aug 2005
Posts: 988
Location: no longer in hell but back home now

PostPosted: Tue May 22, 2007 9:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

it is saposed to eb teh same poem but i forgot some of the lines so i just put what i though it was and teh one she posted was teh original one
_________________
HHB 3-82 FA 2nd BCT 1st Cav Div

"I am become death, the destroyer of worlds."

"A hero is born among a hundred, a wise man is found among a thousand, but an accomplished one might not be found even among a hundred thousand men."
Plato
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Randomdude



Joined: 18 Nov 2006
Posts: 601
Location: A box outside of your house

PostPosted: Tue May 22, 2007 9:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ahhh... That makes sense.
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"We few, we happy few, we band of brothers; For he to-day that sheds his blood with me Shall be my brother." - Solaris - Tír gan teanga, tír gan anam.
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GermanGuestNowComfy



Joined: 27 Sep 2005
Posts: 61

PostPosted: Sat Jun 30, 2007 5:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sorry to get off-topic, but during my absent I didn't even realize you're in Iraq now. I am neither very fond of Mr. Bush's politics towards the world in general nor agreeing with the way the whole Iraq thing got started (I won't go into detail cause it ain't the place and occasion for that). Nonetheless, as things are now, I think there's very little choice left, you and your comrades are caught right in the fray (while I am at a maybe not comfortable but definitely safe distance) and I sure hope you make it through that mess okay and you'll be able to recite that poem to your wife in person some day soon again.

Take care!
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Kraut, sausages and potatoes are a cliché.
Beer is a lifestyle.
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mortarmansprincess



Joined: 21 May 2007
Posts: 126
Location: TX

PostPosted: Sun Jul 01, 2007 9:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ooh Ooh! I have great news! MM will be home for a two week leave on July 9th! I'm so excited! Very Happy
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Gandelle



Joined: 09 Oct 2005
Posts: 645

PostPosted: Sun Jul 01, 2007 12:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Grats to the both of you! Hope he has a safe trip home, and for both your guy's sake, something crazy spontaneous happens and he doesn't need to go back. But saying that might raise false hopes... Shiii, some things are better left unsaid aren't they?
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